Tucson

You'll know, if you can't read a map, and you've never driven some place before, and there is road construction everywhere it makes for a disaster!!!

OK, 9 miles from airport to hotel. About a 20 minute drive according to map quest. WRONG!

Especially for someone who can't read a map. Well, it only took me an two hours to get to it. I could see it from one side of the hi way, but couldn't get to it because of the road construction. Four tries and a head ace later, I finally found the right street that went all the way over. So Thank Jesus we finally made it, I was told I couldn't check in until 3 pm. It was only 1. I told the kid it just took me two hours to get here, and he said, "yep, this construction is a mess." Wow, he sure felt sorry for  me! So I get back in my car and start laughing. Now what? Now what? I pull over into the parking lot and just sat there with the air on. It felt good to relax, and just Thank the Lord for a safe trip. I knew then that if I had gotten my room, I would not have left the rest of the day, cause I was tired. I had taken an early flight, so I could use the rest of the day to work on business.

As I checked out the map, and seen I was near all the places I needed to visit, I tried to figured out how to get around the construction.

After 3 passes around the same road, I figured it out and got in the right lane. CRAZY!!!

First stop: Garden of Gethsemane

Wow, did this bring back memories. It was so peaceful walking around. You could feel the presents of the Lord. http://joeorman.shutterace.com/Bizarre/Bizarre_Gethsemane.html

The Santa Cruz river runs right beside the garden. When we were younger and walked to meet mom at her job, we would cross the river bed to get to town. Tucson is very dry,except during the rainy season which is mid June till the end of Sept. So the river bed is very dry the rest of the time. 

Next stop. 1016 W Alameda. The house where I told mom I was being "messed" with.

WOW, that brought all kinds of feelings. Some I really couldn't even explain.  I drove around the block a couple of times. Then I parked the car over on the next block and walked back. As I walked around the house taking pictures of the front and back, memories started flood my mind.

There was a peace, but at the same time, a deep feeling of I'm home or goodbye. I didn't understand it. I walked around the block two or three times until I was afraid someone would start thinking I was up to something. Most of the people I seen were Mexican, so I did kind of stick out walking around the same place several minutes.

I then drove the two blocks to the school I went to. I remember standing on the playground in the corner not playing with anyone, because I didn't want them guessing my "dirty" secret.

I wanted to walk around the playground, but since school was letting out, and it was mostly Hispanic children running around, I didn't think that would be a good idea. I didn't even set in my car long, for fear of someone thinking I was up to something. I had planned to come back later for a walk in the playground but it didn't happen.

So I went to A Mountain. Sitting up there looking down at the town,sure was a beutiful site. 

Renting a Car

 

At the car rental, the gentleman ask me if I had family or was this a business trip. I told him I lived here 40 years ago and just came back for a Short visit. He said well maybe this is just the beginning trip. I must have had ? on my face, because he said, "I think you'll be back to live soon." I just laughed and said, "Only if God moves me here." He said, "Well you know, that can happen." He then stated he had just the car for me. It's small and sassy like you and it even has a sun roof. I laughed and ask him are you calling me an air head? He laughed and said no, you just have such a positive attitude and a nice smile. Don't let any one take that from you. Finally got to the car and was trying to figure everything out. Man! is is a nice car.
OK, NOW THE FUN BEGINS!!

It was really funny how are these things were said to me, cause I'm not a people person, I stay to my self. I don't talk to strangers. And yet the Lord used all these different people to let me know that this trip was His plan. And He used mostly men to do it. As my testimony unfolds, I had (have) a BIG trust issue with men. Yet, that's who God has put in my path from Indy airport all during my trip.

Airports

Sitting at Indy airport at 4 am on 2/24/08 drinking orange juice, I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. I kind of was in my own little world. A man sitting at the next table said, "Good morning." I looked up and said, "Good morning."
He then started talking. One of the things he said was, there are so many stuck up people in this world any more your afraid to even say hi to some. But with that smile on your face and that sweat shirt (God Bless America) I knew you were a friendly person. (ME)?
We talked for a while and then he said, "have a good trip" and left. He came back in a bit and said they weren't open yet. (meaning security) I know, that's why I was still setting there!
Finally I was on the plane and on the way to Dallas, where I had a 2 hr layover.
While in Dallas, I sat at McDonald's. An older gentlemen sat across from me. He ask me if I was headed to warmer or colder climate? I told him I came from Cold IN & headed to warmer AZ. He said he was from Texas but headed to Mexico. He then ask did I have family or friends in Tucson. I told him I was on a business trip. (I didn't think he would understand that it was business with the Lord).
As we talked, he ask what kind of job I had. I told him I was in the ministry and we worked with homeless women and children. I told him about KRM and gave him the web site. One thing led to another and as we were talking about the Grace of God and how most of our women came to us drug and alcohol addicted the people around was listening. One lady moved over net to us and said, "Hope you don't mind, but I can't hear you all very well over there. And I hear you talking about our Lord and helping people on drugs." So she joined in on our conversation. There was n older gentleman next to me who was done eating but just sat there. Then the guy on the other side called someone and told them to listen. Neither of these men said anything to the 3 of us. Finally the gentleman who first started talking said he had to go catch his plane. We told him have a good flight an God Bless. The lady ask me if I knew him. Nope. She kind f laugh and said, "Well, sometimes when you talk about the Lord people run." I said, "yes, but then again just maybe what someone hears will help in their journey to  Him for the first time." The guy with the cell phone said something to the person on the phone,(first time he had spoken) then hung up. He looked at me and said, "Thank you,  and got up and left. The lady and I just looked at each other  and smiled. Finally the gentleman next to me started talking to the lady. I told them both to have a blessed day and I had to get to my plane. The trip from Dallas to Tucson was a 2 hr flight. But once on the plane a clumsy women (not me) fell over her suitcase and had to be treated. Since they used the first aid kit they had to wait on the maintenance to bring them another one.
Then there was a stewardess who got into it with a passenger and had to leave the plane. So we had to wait until they got another steward there before we could take off.
Finally we left without anymore trouble. And landed in Tucson.

Getting ready to go

I walked into Dave's office one day and sat down and said," God wants me to go to Tucson. But I'm not going, I'm going to FL like I usually do." Dave just looked at me and grinned.
Dave was my councilor. Some of the issues that we had worked on were those of child abuse that happened when I lived in Tucson. God was doing some big things in my life, and healing some mighty big wounds. But I had no intentions of going to Tucson to face the giants that I had left there 40 some years ago.
Dave said, "Why don't you tell me what your talking about. You look like your upset." I stated that I was. I told him that I had been studying and praying and God had been dealing with me about Tucson. It was about the time I went to FL each year to visit my niece, so I was looking up the plane fare. And Tucson kept coming to mind. My niece bought my ticket to FL, so I didn't have to worry about that, so I kept telling the Lord I didn't have the money to go  to Tucson anyway, even if I wanted to go.
Dave said did you look up the fare? I told him I look at a couple but not hotels or anything like that, cause I ain't going! Then he pulled his favorite phase on me! Are you going to do what you want, or what the Lord wants? I hated it when he ask me that!!
I said, "FINE, I'll see if I can fine something I can afford." Dave laughed and asked me what was my price range. I told him under $500 for the whole trip.
He ask me if I thought the Lord couldn't do it. I said, 'Of course not, I know He can do anything. I'm just hoping He sees fit not to."
Price for round trip, hotel, & car $248. That was for 3 days 4 nights.
A couple of reasons the Lord kept laying on my heart for going was:
1. I had to go back to the house where I told my mom about Frank.
2. I had to bury the little girl who had  died on the inside years ago, but still loss and
    without closure.
3. The little who girl who dreamed she could fly, was about to come true.
Wow, that's a lot to work on in 3 days.

Jumping around

I guess I'm kind of jumping around. But I'm writing as I'm thinking of things. That's how my mind works. I think the next big thing I want to write about is my trip to Tucson. I know there is lots of things in between my trip to Fl and Tucson. There was lots of pain and lots of healing.
Actually 5 years of learning to turn it over to the Lord. Learning to let go of the past. Learning to heal, to love God's way, to forgive...
Yep, there was 5 years between my FL trip where I met the loving Jesus, and my trip to Tucson, where I met the forgiving Jesus.

Scared of the dark

As a child I was locked in closets. That made me claustrophobic. Let me back up some.
My grandmother who took care of us while my mom worked, use to  lock me in the closet during the day. It was a very dark and scary place for a scared little girl. I can remember wetting my pants then getting whipped for that. So I learned to hold it all day.
I was told if I told mom, I would be in worst trouble. So in my  mind I couldn't even begin to think of what else she might do.
So I grew up  very scared of the dark. Even after I became a mother, I would wet my self before I would be able to go into a dark room to get to the bathroom if I was home alone. I couldn't go outside after dark, or even go near a door that led out doors.
I couldn't ride in an elevator. I couldn't shut a shower curtain to take a shower.
For several years, I couldn't even stand someone to hug me, it would take my breath away. It was like they were coking me.
The weird thing was, I had to have all the lights off if I was home alone, so I could see. I knew that  would give me the advantage over anyone if they were in the house.
I was very paranoid.
When healing started, the Lord didn't leave the closet out. His way of dealing with it was to take that little scared girl back to the dark closet. Let me explain. I had a closet in my house that had a sticky door nob. One day as I was praying and seeking the Lord, He led me to go into that closet. I shut the door. It stuck, I panic. I kicked the door in. Then a peace came over me. I felt the Holy Spirit say, "The little Brenda is stuck in the closet no more,  she is free."
He knows our hurts and pains. He knows how to set us free. Praise His Holy Name.

Jasmine's Birthday

4/2/11 Today is my granddaughter's 19th birthday. Wow, she has grown into a beautiful young lady! I remember when she was around 18 months  old. We would go to the house and she wouldn't talk to me, but want to go to the store and get M&M'S. She would hold her arms up, and I would pick her up, and carry her downstairs, and we would go to the store get candy and take her home. Bri never wanted to go at first. She was a tomboy, but loves to be a girly girl too. She Loves dresses, & shoes, but wouldn't wear shoes. Yet she wanted to buy new shoes all the time. (Still does) To date, she has over a 100 pair!

She always loved to help me babysit. Like her grandma, she loves babies and small children!

She graduated high school mid term, but is going to walk down the isle with her class this June.

She is going to Business Collage in Indy this fall. She wants to be a medical student.

I am so proud of her, and so thankful God let me be her grandma. I love you, Jasmine.

Working on old post

I haven't written any new post lately because I've been updating my old post. I've been going back and writing things I remember in my older post.
I still have more to write in new post, but want to update old ones when I remember things in those time areas.
So that is the reason for not having new ones for the month of March, But I haven't given up. I'm just remembering more and more, and working kind of slow.

My trip to FL

I posted about my testimony, (post, My Testimony written in 03) I mentioned about how God was in the whole trip, not just when I was on the beach in Fl. This post is about that trip.
I had a friend take me to the bus stop in my town. It was late in the evening. I hadn't bought my ticket yet, but knew how much a one way and a round trip would cost. Now mind you, had no intention of returning, but a round trip was cheaper. So I bought a round trip. I had just pack a overnight bag, with two changes of clothes, my bible and a couple of snacks. It was a 22 hour trip. I had worn two sweatshirts cause I knew when we got to KY it would start getting warmer. I didn't want to worry with a coat. I had walked  to the Bible book store the week before and bought a necklace with a mustard seed in it. Because I thought maybe I did have that much faith. But believe me, ALL THE FAITH I HAD WAS WHAT I WORE AROUND MY NECK. And I held on to that necklace like it was a life line to the Lord.
As I was waiting for the bus, a couple from church was there waiting to put their daughter and grandson on the bus. She was going to her in-laws down South. My friend ask me where I was going and if I had friends in FL. I told her no. I was very emotional, so I tried to stay away from them as much as possible. She came up to me crying and ask if I would kind of look out for her kids and make sure they got on the right bus in Indy. I told her yes.
The baby was 8 months old. When we got on the bus, she sat next to me, and I ask her if I could hold him. When we got to Indy, I was supposed to get on a different bus. But they were having trouble with getting everyone a seat, so we ended up on the same bus to KY. So I held little man all the way! He was so sweet and cuddly. As he snuggled up to me, I cried into his sweet smelling hair. I prayed and wondered why I couldn't hear anything from the Lord. (Maybe I wasn't listening)
Once we got to KY, I called my husband and told him where I was, and where I was going. He had told me he had called my friend looking for me. He had been with his "friend" when I left. My friend wouldn't tell him anything, and of course he was very upset with me. I told him I did what I thought I had to do. He told me to call him when I got to Fl. I went into the bathroom to take off my sweatshirts. My chain to my necklace fell off into my hand. I couldn't find my mustard seed anywhere. I was literally sick to my stomach! I felt like I had just lost my life line to God! I walked back out side looking for it, and around the bus, but I couldn't get on the bus. As I was standing in line for the next bus, I kept getting the feeling to go get a coke. I don't drink when traveling, cause of having to use the bathroom.,but the feeling was overwhelming. So I started to the vending machines and there was my heart shaped necklace with the mustard seed. I almost shouted out loud!! God is so good. I didn't have to buy a drink after all. And oh by the way, my baby and I ended up on the same bus all the way to Nashville Tn. God knew they needed someone to look out for them. :)
When we left Ky, the driver was new. He had no idea where he was going, and got lost in Nashville. We were over an hour late getting to the bus terminal. So I missed my next bus. I had to wait 4 hours to catch another bus going to AL.
Ever been to Nashville bus terminal in the middle of the night? Not a good plan. Especially if your a lady traveling alone.
My baby and his momma had gotten on their bus about an hour after we got there. Like I said, Since I missed my bus because our driver was late, I had to wait 4 hours for another bus. There was a couple of soldiers who had gotten on our bus in KY who were going to AL also. So they were waiting for the same bus I was.
Any way, back to the terminal.
There were a lot of shady looking men standing around. I headed straight to the bathroom as soon as I got my friends on their bus. I spent as much time as I could in there. After I came out, I started toward the dinner. A man came up to me and said, "Can you help me?" I said, "I don't think so." He grabbed my arm, and said, "Yes you can." I grabbed my mace out of my pocket and said, "No, I can't." He let go of my arm, and said, "Oh, excuse me." And took off out the door. The police officer came over and ask me if I needed any help. I showed him my mace and told him I already had help. He laughed and said, " that's why he took off so fast. I was on my way over, when I seen him take your arm." I thought to myself, he would of had me out the door as slow as you were. But hey, I guess it was the thought that counts. :)
I went on in and look at the menu to get something to eat. I figured I would be safe in there for awhile. A grilled cheese and coke cost $6. Cheapest thing on the menu.
After I went back into the terminal I sat next to one of the soldiers. We started talking and I ask him where he was from and if he had family. He was headed home. He had a wife and small son. We talked about his childhood. How he grew up in church and how he had gotten away from it. How he wanted to get his son in church, but his wife had never been. The Lord used me to witness to him for over 2 hours. We talked about his time in the Army, how he was scared of dying without the Lord and all kinds of things. One thing led to other. When our bus finally got there, he said, " you know, now I know why our bus was late." I look at him and ask him why. He said, " So you could help me see what I need to do when I get home." I just smiled at him, cause I couldn't speak at that moment!
I think on our ride to AL he fell asleep. I didn't. I was thinking. I was asking God what was He up to. Why was he having me to witness to this young man, when He knew I was on my way to FL to end my life. I felt like a hypocrite. OK, I was a hypocrite. Right before we got to the young man's stop he woke up, and ask me to pray with him. MAN, that bout done me in. I told him I would be happy to pray with him. I did, I prayed that the Lord would be with him, his family, lead him, show him what to do. Help him in his decisions and all the right things he needed. You know the Lord led me to say the right things for that young man. When we stopped. His wife and baby son, who he hadn't seen in 8 months was waiting for him. It made me cry. As they came up to the bus, he grabbed his son and ran back up on the bus and came to me, and said, We will be in church Sunday, Thank you. I
said good. Hard hearted heart was melting, I just didn't realize it at that moment.
The rest of the trip to Fl was uneventful. It was very late when we got to the bus station. I ask the lady behind the counter where the beach was. She said this is the beach. I said OK, where's the beach area with hotels and water? She stated just over that bridge. You don't want to get a hotel on this side of the bridge, this is the ruff side of town. I said,"Thanks, then I could walk to the hotels?" She kind of looked at me like I was crazy, and stated that she thought it was a little far, and it probably wouldn't be to safe this late at night. She didn't brother to mention that the bridge was 4 miles long, or the hotels with the water behind them, were 5 miles on the other side of the bridge!
She called a cab for me. I got a friendly lady who then called a friend of hers who owned one of the hotels. I had told her that I was running away from "home" I told her I needed a "cheap" room and as near the water as I could get. She pulled up to a hotel and told me that the BEACH was just behind the wall. I told her thank you and it was fun talking to her.
I got my room, and finally called my husband who started in about how worried he had been, and how he had called my friend and our pastor to see if they had heard from me. I told him I had just got to my room and how the bus had been late, and I had told him that I would call when I got to FL and I did. He ask me if I had changed my mind about how long I was going to be there, and I told him I was tired and I would talk to him later and hung up.
I laid down about 2 hours, and got up just as the sun was coming up to walk to the beach.
I walked behind the wall like the lady said, and that didn't get me anywhere. So I walked around for a few minutes not finding the water. Finally I seen a young man walking, so I ask him where the beach was. He said,"your on it." I said, "OK how do I get to the water?" He then stated, that I needed to head toward that line of hotels, and go behind them, and I would find the beach area, and water. These FL people were down right wield!! I told him Thank You, and I headed off. 45 minutes later I found the water. I guess I should of ask how far the water was, not the beach!
Have you ever just sat and looked out at the the ocean? The sky and the water just blend together. It's beautiful.
When I found the ocean early Monday morning, it was beautiful. I walked around for about an hour just arguing with God. (Well, I was arguing, He was listening)
That afternoon I walked back to the beach, and again that Evening.
Tue. I thought OK; today is when I will do it. So I walked there in the morning took pictures of the sunrise over the ocean, and went back to my hotel.
Now you got to remember this is the last of Jan. so there wasn't very many people on the beach any of the times I had walk on it. And what was they were all older folks.
(I fall into that category) As I waited for sunset, I read the bible and prayed, and argued with the Lord. I kept saying if you really loved me like everyone says I wouldn't feel this way, and I could hear from you. I wasn't hearing anything. (Or maybe I just wasn't listening).
As it started getting later in the day, I walked back to the ocean. I was sitting in the sand waiting for nightfall. I swear there were old people all around. I think everyone in FL was on that beach. I was really getting mad, I said, "God are you sending these people here, it won't work, I will wait till They all go back to their hotels."
As I was sitting there, I heard the word Jonah. GREAT, now I hear His voice! I said "God that's not going to work, I'm out of here, you’re to late to talk to me now." Again I heard the word Jonah.
I had forgotten that the Lord had told me 2 years earlier that he wanted me to preach His word and use my life as a testimony for him, to help set other captives free. (Now I still wasn't free, so that seemed funny to me).
I had been setting there for about 30 minutes just staring out at the ocean in the same spot all this time. I hear the word Jonah, After the second time I heard Jonah, I swear, I saw a big fish jump. I said out loud, OK now I've lost my mind to. I turned and faced a different direction, and I heard God very loud and clear.
"I did it once, I can do it again." And I saw that fish jump again.
I jumped up and yelled, "Fine, I'm leaving." The only thing that was going through my mind at that moment was: the stupid fish would sallow me and spit me up in Iran or somewhere and I wouldn't know how to get back home. As I walked back to my hotel, and was yelling at God, all I kept hearing was I LOVE YOU. I kept saying, no you don't. As I was crossing a 4-lane highway, it finally hit me, HE REALLY DOES LOVE ME. I stopped right in the middle of the road, and when he repeated "I love you" I FINALLY got it. He really did love me.
I could feel the junk roll off of me starting from the top of my head all the way to my feet. I really thought when I look down, there would be a whole in the pavement. That's how FREE I felt.
I called my pastor and let him know what happened, and told him I was coming home.
Things didn't get better at home, my husband admitted to an affair, and we ended up divorced.
But I ended up closer to my Savior, and ministering to hurting and abused women on a daily basis.
God will meet us where we are, when we need Him the most!

Walk a mile in my shoes

2/12/11 Today was our annual walk a mile fund raiser for Open Arms. This year is our 10th anniversary. And by the grace of God, we had more walkers today, than we ever had before, 915. Our goal was to raise $85,000. We raised $101,702.75 Praise the Lord. He is so good.
I've been homeless. I've been in these ladies shoes. I've had to walk every where I needed to go. I've needed to depend on others to help me get my life back on track.  I thank God for others who take time to reach out and help men, women and children who need a hand to get back on their feet. Some people say, they can get a job, they don't need to be homeless if they don't want to be. That's not always true.
When I was homeless sleeping in the park by the river, or under the picnic table, hoping the police wouldn't catch me, I had a job. I just didn't make enough to rent an apartment, or a motel room in the town I lived in. My boyfriend had decided to go back to his wife, since I was living with him, I didn't have any where to stay. It was Dec. So it was very cold out. But you do what you have to do. The town I lived in didn't have a women's shelter. I did come to the women's shelter here in Kokomo, but at that time, you could only stay 3 nights. They didn't have Open Arms then. They had the house on Taylor St. This was in 91. The trustee wouldn't help me get housing, because I wasn't from Howard co.  I finally found an apartment I could afford in the town I worked in. I had a mattress, dresser, big chair, kitchen table and one chair, cooler to keep stuff cool in. It had a stove in it. But it was home. I had two sets of curtains that fit the front room windows. the bedroom window was a sheet. You know, that place was great. It was warm, it had lights and running water. And it was mine. I never thought I would be without a place to live. It happened like overnight. It lasted two weeks. But two weeks in Dec. is a long time. Things are much different now. Open Arms has many more beds than they did back then. They also have meals on site, where they had to walk to the main mission when they were in the Taylor house. They have Bible studies, case workers... on site. That was things they didn't have in much of in  91. God has blessed the women and children who live at OA with wonderful tools to help them get back on their feet, and to get spiritually healthy.
Without the Walk-a-Mile and all who donate we wouldn't be able to do God's work.

My sis's 52 nd birthday

2/11/2011 Today is my baby sister's birthday. She is 5 years younger than me. I remember mom telling us how I prayed for a girl. She ask my brother if he wanted a boy, and he told her, if sissy is praying for a girl, there is no sense in me wanting a boy. Jesus will give her a girl. Mom said even though she wasn't a Christian at the time, she even talked to God. And told Him, if your real, please let this be a girl, for Brenda's sake. Mom said I didn't have any doubt in my mind that we were going to have a sissy. So at the age of 5, I  believed in prayer. She was a little, dark hair, brown eyed beauty. And she will always be my little sis.

She has two beautiful daughters, and my red head nephew. She is Mimi to 3 boys and 2 girls so far.

She has always been a animal lover, and has 5 dogs and 2 cats. One of her grandsons who lives with her, has 12 pet rats! They say they are cute rats. Is there such a thing as a cute rat?? Beck said there different colors, and don't look like ordinary rats. OK, I'll take 2. NOT! :)

Though I do think baby mice are cute! I found a hurt baby mouse one time, and called my son to come and do something with it. He lives about 35 miles from me. I couldn't believe he wouldn't drive all that way just to get rid of this cute little mouse for me! He kept saying, "mom, just kill it." I kept telling him it was soooo cute, and I couldn't just kill it. You come and kill it. He told me I was crazy and to just throw it outside then. It was the middle of Feb. I finally found a gift bag and filled it with Kleenex and put some cheese in it, and took it to the dumpster across the alley. My grandkids thought it was funny that grandma couldn't kill a mouse.

2/10/11 Today is my birthday

Today I've made it to 57 years old. To look back on my life, I would have to say, that is something I didn't think would ever happen. And only by the Grace of God, it did. How great is my God? He can take a broken piece of clay, put it back on the potters wheel and make it into a brand new vessel that He can use again. He can heal a broken heart, and turn the darkness night into light. That's what He did with my life. Has it been easy? No, no, and no. Will it get any easier? I hope so, but I doubt it. Let's be real. Life is all about trials and being real. Some people can slide through life and seem to not get dirty at all. I fall into every mud hole I come near. But without the mud holes I wouldn't know the saving grace of my savior. How he picks me up, cleans me off, and tells me I can and must go on. Is there another mud hole, yep. And sometimes I can step over it, with the help of my Lord. Sometimes He allows me to fall into it, so I learn, and come out stronger and cleaner on the other side. I have  wondered "what good am I?"  most of my life. Why am I here? Is God punishing me? As a child those answers were, I'm no good. I'm only here to be punished for all the bad things I've done, even though I'm not sure I know what they are. And yes, God is keeping me here to punish me.
Now that I'm an adult, and have learned that God is my friend, and I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I know that: I am good, and I am here for a reason, even if I don't know what that reason is. And no, God is not punishing me. He is helping me through every trial that I've ever been through or I will ever go through.
It may have took me 40 some years "to get it" but hey, better late than never. :)
But I have to thank God for the mentors He has given me along the way. Back in the 90's it was Pastor Terry, and Pastor Dan.
God started with them to "crack" this hard shell.
But I think God's Real Grace and forgiveness started with His warriors who were very active in the healing of my past and growing in Christ, were Pastor Brad, Pastor Tom &  Pastor Dave.
These men of God prayed with and for me, counseled with me, and told me things I sometimes (lots of times) didn't want to hear, concerning what the Lord had to say, about things going on in my life. (I hated to hear it, but they usually were just confirming what God had already told me) Man, how neat it was though to go to Pastor ___ and say, guess what? I finally got it!!!!
I'm not bound by my past any longer! Praise The Lord!! Do I still have issues? Yep. Do I still have bad days? Yep. Do I have a Heavenly Father who I can and do go to now, and I know He hears me? Yep! It makes are the difference in the word!! Praise His Holy Name.

Brian's Birthday

2/9/11 Today is my grandson's 20th birthday.  How time flies. Where did that small blond haired shy little boy go that was grandma's little man?  He has now grown into a wonderful Christian young man, who has a job and is in collage. He loves the Lord, and works with youth at his church. I remember his shy little smile when he was up to something. And how his long blond hair would fly in the wind when he ran. I remember the day he wanted his hair buzzed. We tried to talk him out of it, but he wanted it done anyway. So a friend of ours cut it. When he looked in the mirror, he had tears in his eyes. But from that day on, he has worn his hair short. He has always done good in school, & has been on fire for the Lord most of his life. He's a fine young man any grandma would be proud to call her grandson, And I'm so glad he's mine. He has made my life better & brighter just because he's a big part of it.

I am so proud of him.
I love you, Brian

hating life, even as a child

Even as a child, I remember hating life. I would look at other little girls and think, they seem happy. I'm always sad.
I didn't have friends at school. I didn't want anyone to guess what was going on in my life. I had a secret. And it was a bad secret. It was one that made me ugly on the inside, so I was ugly on the outside. I would stand on the play ground away from the other kids and watch them. I wouldn't play games unless the teachers would make me. I didn't want anyone to guess my secerts. I wasn't smart in school. I had to struggle for every thing I could learn. If I got a D that was my best. I remember studing for a spelling test right before school, then getting to school, and taking it, and still missing most of the words. I was a dumb kid. And I was even a dumber kid at home. My brother was very smart in school and didn't even have to apply himself. He got straight A's when he tried. My sister was also a good student.

growing up with secrets

You know when your little, and your best friend tells you,"I got a secret, but you can't tell anyone." That's kind of what my whole life was like.
Being a surviver of childhood abuse you have lots of secrets. You learn real early in life to lie. You learn to keep "secrets" to yourself. You learn not to trust anyone. You learn that adults lie, and they don't like little kids. Old men are mean, ugly and hurt you. Where is this Jesus everyone talks about in Sunday School?
You learn to keep secrets.
(Please remember these are thoughts of yesteryear.)

The feelings no one cares

Ever feel that way?
That was the feeling I grew up with. I didn't think my mom cared. I knew my grandmother didn't like me. she'd told me enough times how much she didn't. And as I had said earlier, my views on God were real messed up. I didn't think He cared much either.
It seemed to me as a child, my mom always took my older brother's side. He had heart trouble and was in and out of the hospital a lot. So he was able to get away with a lot of stuff because of that. And he was real quick to remind me of that fact.
My sister who was 5 years younger than me, got away with stuff because she was the baby.
She would do things to get us into trouble, and then laugh about it. She did get into trouble sometimes, but not as much as we did. I think as I look back on things, Charles and I probably took a lot of it because she was our baby. But when it came to our grandmother, Becky never ever did anything wrong. With her I learned to just take whippings instead of saying anything, it was easier. If I tried to say I didn't do it, one of the others did, then I was lying, and got whipped harder.
I became one hard core little girl. I never cried from the age 5 up. Because if I cried, I got hit till I quit crying. I was 48yrs old before I cried again!
Then when the water works started the were hard to stop for awhile!!

I'm so tired of headaches

I've  had a headache all day! I'm so tired of them. Some days I let the fear get to me. Then I feel bad for that. I know God is in control. I have a Dr appointment the 4th. He is going to have to do something this time.
I had a brain bleed in April of 2000. They couldn't figure what caused it. So chalked it up to a stroke.  I was having migraines for a couple of months, worst than I ever had. The migraines are back, so sometimes I get scared.
Fear is a big issue I still battle even as a Christian. I read scripture on fear. I've even preach on fear. Does that make me less of an Christian? No, it just makes me one that needs more faith in this area. Oh, there's been lots of people out there that have told me my faith is very strong. And in lots of areas it is. But not so much when it comes to my health and these headaches!!. Sounds crazy doesn't it! I've seen God's hand so many times in my life, you would think a little thing like this would be nothing  for me.
I  mean, he has seen me through being beat & molested as a child. Two major attempts of suicide. Major depression, rape, and near death experiences.
Hmmm, ever stop to  wonder what the devil will try to use next to knock us down with? The highs and lows of life! It's a cycle. And I have to remember to thank God daily NO MATTER WHAT, He is still in control.
 My favorite Bible verse is: Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Years filled with anger and depression

These years were filled with anger and depression. I loved my husband and children, but life in general sucked. Don and I fought a lot over nothing. We split up once. I stayed with my real father for a week. That was when Donnie was 4 months old. That was a joke. Tom really never had any thing to do with my brother or me. And right after that, he told me never to bother him again. And we didn't speak for several years. Him and his wife came to my apt right after April was born and ask if they could see the baby. They had a bear that his mother gave him to give to the kids.  I let them in, and they stayed about five minutes. That was the last we spoke until he came to my house a few months before he died. My kids were in High School.
When I saw him coming up the  walk, I told Don, I wonder what he wants? He 's either dieing, or he got saved. Turned out it was both. He was also getting ready to go to prison for child molesting, and wanted me to babysit for my baby sister that I didn't even know I had. So I watched her while the trial was going on. He was convicted, and died in prison.
The only sad thing that happened at Toms funeal was: while I was holding my baby sister who was almost 3 at the time, looked at me and said. "Sissy make daddy get up out of that box." OK, I have to admit, I had tears in my eyes at that moment because that little girl didn't understand and she was hurting for her daddy. Then her "mom" came over at that moment and said," I knew you cared" I wanted to spit in her face. But I didn't for two reasons.
1. I was holding this precious little girl who had no idea her daddy was a worthless piece of fleash & a child molester.
2. I was a Christian, and I had forgiven him of all he had done. And I really didn't care what she thought.
These years were filled with drinking and parting on weekends. We had a favorit hang out in Elwood. and a certain group we ran with.
My kids were always at families. We never left them with baby sitters. No one but family ever watch my children.
I was in and out of the hospital a lot because of depression & migrians.
I went to work the same day April started kindergarten. I worked as a nurses aide.
Things had become a normal routine. And life goes on.

My testiomoy written in 03

I wrote this testimony several years ago. I believe in 2003. But wanted to share it today.
As a child I was sexually, mentally and physically abused. I grew up very hard, never cried from the age of five up, because if I cried when hit, I got hit till I quit crying. I could do just about anything on my own, cause I would never ask for help from anyone. I was very depressed, and the only emotion I ever showed was anger. I grew up a street fighter, and could whip just about anyone.  Oh, believe me, I did get my rear whipped a few times to.
Love to me meant hurt. And if you said trust me, you were on my list, and it wasn't a trust list. I went to church as a child, and grew up confused about God.
A Sunday school teacher told me once that Jesus loved us, and would never let any thing bad happen to us, and God his father would take care of all his children that he loved. So I thought that Jesus and God didn't love me, because I was so bad. (This is what I heard from the age 5 up) I was stupid, dumb and would never mount to any thing. I grew up believing that.
I got married at 16 to get out of the house. I had 2 babies by the time I was 18.
I became an alcoholic, was addicted to mussel relaxers and became harder than I already was. I got saved at the age of 28, but didn't have a personal relationship with the Lord, because I didn't know you could.
I was in and out of the hospital & rehabs all the time. I backslid in 91, started running around, drinking and ended a 21 Yr. marriage. I tried to kill myself New Year's Eve. The Dr. said I had enough stuff in me to kill 3 big men; someone upstairs must have been looking out for me. I was VERY mad at God; I thought he just kept me here to punish me some more.
I remarried in 93. I rededicated my life to the Lord in 94. Things got a little better, but my past was still my life. I tried to forget it, but it kept popping up. I fell into depression all the time, and days on end I wouldn't get out of bed, or anything.
We started attending the church I go to now in 98. The people there were not like any other church I had ever attended. They were very loving, like to hug and just different.
When I would fall into my depression, someone would call and tell me they loved me, and I couldn't understand that. Things got some better, and the depression and sickness became further and future apart. I still couldn't get the hang of God really loving me.
In Dec. of 02 my husband came to get me at work for lunch and said, this marriage sucks and I want out. That blew me away, cause I didn't think we were having trouble. Things were going like they always did.
I suffered through Christmas, and in Jan. decided I’d had enough. I had talked to my pastor a few times, and a friend at work, but nothing seem to change the stuff in my head. I knew killing myself was wrong, but the devil had me so bound that I really thought it was the only way out.
A friend at church told me that I had to get hold of the fact that the Lord loved me.
I told her he didn't love me; I had too much wrong with me, for him to truly love and forgive me. (This is from my past; I was told not even God could love someone like me).
I told my pastor why I was going to Fl. and he tried to talk me out of it. But my mind was made up and I was going to end all this turmoil I was going through. I never told my husband that I was even leaving. I got to Louisville Ky. & called him, and told him where and why I was going.
I need to write down all the things of the trip, which you can see God working from the bus station here till I came back. (But that is all another story).
Any way I took my bible and was reading it, but I just wasn't getting anywhere. I was a Christian, and I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it just seemed to keep pulling me to do it.
I went to the ocean early Monday morning, and it was beautiful. I walked around for about an hour just arguing with God. (Well, I was arguing, He was listening) I walked back to my hotel, which was a 45 min walk each way.
That afternoon I walked back to the beach, and again that Evening. Tue. I thought OK; today is when I will do it. So I walked there in the morning took pictures of the sunrise over the ocean, and went back to my hotel.
Now you got to remember this is the last of Jan. so there wasn't very many people there at all. And what was they were all older folks.
(I fall into that category) As I waited for sunset, I read the bible and prayed, and argued with the Lord. I kept saying if you really loved me like everyone says I wouldn't feel this way, and I could hear from you. I wasn't hearing anything. (Or maybe I just wasn't listening).
As it started getting late, I walked back to the ocean. I was sitting in the sand waiting for nightfall. I swear there were old people all around. I think everyone in FL was on that beach. I was really getting mad, I said, "God are you sending these people here, it won't work, I will wait till They all go back to their hotels."
As I was sitting there, I heard the word Jonah. I said "God that's not going to work, I'm out of here, you’re to late to talk to me now." Again I heard the word Jonah.
I forgot to tell you the Lord told me 2 years ago that he wanted me to use my life as a testimony for him, and to help set other captives free. (Now I still wasn't free, so that seemed funny to me).
I had been setting there for about 30 minutes waiting for all the people to leave, but it seemed that more just kept coming. I had been staring out at the ocean in one spot all this time. After the second time I heard Jonah, I swear, I saw a big fish jump. I said
out loud, OK now I've lost my mind to. I turned and faced a different direction, and I heard God very loud and clear.
"I did it once, I can do it again." And I saw that fish jump again.
I jumped up and yelled, "Fine, I'm going home." This little lady was walking in front of me, and I scared her, she said honey are you OK? I said NO, I'm mad. When I'm mad I walk fast, so the 45 min walk was only 25 min. that night.
As I walked back to my hotel, I was yelling at God, I kept hearing, I LOVE YOU.
I said no you don't. As I was crossing a 4-lane highway, it finally hit me,
HE REALLY DOES LOVE ME. I stopped right in the middle of the road, and when he said, I love you, I said, you really do, and it felt like a ton of bricks lifted off my chest.
(So He protected me from getting hit also)
I called my pastor and told him I was coming home. He said I have been praying, and the Lord told me about an hour ago, that every thing was OK. That is about the time, I finally got it, that he did really love me.
Since then I have been learning things and the Lord is teaching me things I never got before.
As far as home life things got worse. My husband finally admitted to having an affair. And there were lots of hard days. But I knew I could and did cry out to the Lord and he helped me through them.
So it's like I became a new Christian in Jan. or at least a new person.
Everyone around me keeps saying, how much I have changed and that I am a very strong person, cause I can smile and keep going through all this.
They don't know how many times I fell on my face and cried and prayed till Jesus reached down and picked me up and gave me the peace only he can give.
The Lord has been doing so much in my life, that I know wouldn't have happened if the devil hadn't tried to destroy me with this. I was very CO dependent on Dane, now I am very dependent on my Lord, which is what I should have been all-alone. But Praise God He never gave up on me.
Now I minister to hurting women all the time, and I do use my past life as a testimony to uplift my Lord and savior as to what He brought me from and how He is with us no matter what.
He is the only one who cares enough to stick with us through every fire and trial we go through.
As the years fly by since that day, God has never left me, and He has helped me through some very ruff time. After the divorce, (one that I didn’t want) Jesus saw me through all the finances, and other things that in the natural I could have never done. But my Lord gave me peace and seen I was taken care of by his power.
I can’t praise my savior enough.

My Daughter

So at 18, I had two babies.
Oct 13th brought the birth of our 2nd child, April Marie. She weight  7lbs 10oz, and was 21in long.
Don Don loved his baby sister, and was never jealous of her. He loved to "help" mommy take care of her.
Ape didn't like to be held much. If she was Fed  and had a clean diaper on, she wanted to be left alone.  She slept with her eyes open, which always freaked me out! :)
When she was 28 days old, she got real sick, and I walked the floor with her for 4 days and nights. Her Dr couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, and finally put her in the hospital. She couldn't keep food down, had diarrhea, and wouldn't quit screaming.
After 2 weeks of test and changing her formula 6 times they found she couldn't take any kind of milk products. The formula she ended up taking cost $14 a can. 39 years ago, that was a lot of money for formula. To fix this stuff, you had to boil the water, then beat it with a mixer, let it cool, then mix it all together again. It was a mess. It only made 4-8oz bottles. Daddy had a factory job, I stayed home with the babies. We had our own apt and car, but things were still hard on us as a young couple with two babies.

My Son

Being married so young wasn't easy. But being married and having a baby was even harder. We had our first child, when I was 17. Donald Ray Jr was born Sept 13th weighing in at 7lbs 12oz and was 19in long. He was born breech. And if he hadn't been, he would have been born in the back seat of his papaw's brand new car! Which by the way, had white velvet seats! We had taken dry runs to the hospital a few times, but they had shut down the road from our town to the town the hospital was in that weekend. My dad was having a fit and yelling at my mom to hold my legs together and not let the baby out!! It was very funny after it was all over, but not so at the time. He finally flagged a cop down after running a red light and told him he had a girl in the back seat ready to pop! The cop radio it in, and they were waiting for me. They started undressing me in the elevator, HOW EMBARRASSING! Since he was on his way out, they didn't have time to give me any thing for pain, & 40 years ago, you didn't have your babies natural, like you do today. You also didn't know what sex your baby was.
The Dr. was talking to me, asking what I wanted. I told him a boy. He said, "well, if it's a girl, it has something funny between it's legs." I sat up, and said, "What's wrong with my baby?" He said, "lay down, nothing, it's a boy." Then they couldn't get him to cry. They were talking to him, saying come on little one, and hitting him on his feet, and bottom. I was flipping out!! They kept telling me to lay down. Finally, Don Don opened his eyes and looked around. He still hadn't cried. The nurses took him, and the Dr started working on me again. They weighed him and all that, and then laid him on me. As they were taking us out of the delivery room, my mom looked at the baby and said, "Oh, a rotten Boy" and he started screaming. The Dr started laughing and told her they needed her in the delivery room.
A few hours later I went into convolutions, that lasted for 3 days because of high blood pressure. The baby also had problems. They didn't think either of us would make it. They had called the family in, but by the Grace of God, we both pulled through.
Donnie did every thing early. He was 3 months old when he cut his 2 top teeth. 6months old when my dad came up the stairs to my apt. and Donnie said, "see papaw" It was like the child was born talking! He could make all kinds of animal sounds by the time he was 11 months old. He spent the weekend with ma maw and Pap and they went "riding" to show him all the farm animals from the time he was newborn. Ma maw would make pap stop and she would get out of the car and show him the animals and make the sounds they made. So any time you went by a cow, sheep, horse... and ask him what they were he would make their sounds.
One morning when he was about 11 months old he had slept late. I walked over to his crib and he was blue. I started screaming. I couldn't touch him, and what went through my mind was: do I go get a wet washrag, or run next door to  the funeral home. (We lived behind a funeral home at that time.) My husband and brother was home because it was a Saturday morning. Don came running in and he couldn't grab him up either. My brother grabbed Donnie up and took his fist and hit him in the middle of the back. Donnie open his eyes and looked at me, and said, "hi mommy," I passed out. Later when I thought about it, Charles could have broke Donnie's back. But by the grace of God, He seen fit to let my baby live, and not let anything be wrong with him.
That was one of the scariest moments in my life. I thought I lost my baby boy. I was also about 8 months pregnant with my  2nd child at the time.

New dad, husband, and baby less than two years

Mom met and married my step dad, Ray, in Dec ,69, when I was 15. He was the only real dad we ever had. He was good to mom and us kids. My brother who was 14 months older than me, didn't want to be told what to do by anyone, so he started acting out. First, he started skipping school. When mom found out, I got beat for that, cause I should have told her. Charles never even got in trouble for it! Oh well, I was use to it, but it just made a hard heart, harder.
Charles ran away not long after they were married. He would call home every 6 months or so. And always made it home for his birthday, which was in Nov.
I met Don when I was in the 11th grade. His grandma live down the lane that was attached to our drive way. A friend of mine was dating his best friend, Richard. She ask me if I wanted to go on a double date. I told her sure. I was the only one with a car, so I picked them all up. I didn't know my way around Alex. So we ended up out in the country riding around. I found out later when ask where we went, he told his mom I took him out to the country and left it at that! Boys will be boys! We were both 16 at the time. He also told her that I was the one he was going to marry. How he knew that I have no idea. All he talked about was cars!!! It was a long 2 hours.
That was in Aug. He gave me his ring Sept. 5th 1970. We married Jan, 23rd 1971
Mom, dad and his mom went with us to Anderson court house so we could get married, but they wouldn't let us, because I wasn't pg.
Then Don, his mom, Richard,(a friend) and I went to KY and tried to get married. That didn't work.
Finally, mom, dad, Don's mom, and us went to KY and we finally got married after 4 times of trying! I was pg by then for our first child.
I was 16, Don was 17.