Tucson

You'll know, if you can't read a map, and you've never driven some place before, and there is road construction everywhere it makes for a disaster!!!

OK, 9 miles from airport to hotel. About a 20 minute drive according to map quest. WRONG!

Especially for someone who can't read a map. Well, it only took me an two hours to get to it. I could see it from one side of the hi way, but couldn't get to it because of the road construction. Four tries and a head ace later, I finally found the right street that went all the way over. So Thank Jesus we finally made it, I was told I couldn't check in until 3 pm. It was only 1. I told the kid it just took me two hours to get here, and he said, "yep, this construction is a mess." Wow, he sure felt sorry for  me! So I get back in my car and start laughing. Now what? Now what? I pull over into the parking lot and just sat there with the air on. It felt good to relax, and just Thank the Lord for a safe trip. I knew then that if I had gotten my room, I would not have left the rest of the day, cause I was tired. I had taken an early flight, so I could use the rest of the day to work on business.

As I checked out the map, and seen I was near all the places I needed to visit, I tried to figured out how to get around the construction.

After 3 passes around the same road, I figured it out and got in the right lane. CRAZY!!!

First stop: Garden of Gethsemane

Wow, did this bring back memories. It was so peaceful walking around. You could feel the presents of the Lord. http://joeorman.shutterace.com/Bizarre/Bizarre_Gethsemane.html

The Santa Cruz river runs right beside the garden. When we were younger and walked to meet mom at her job, we would cross the river bed to get to town. Tucson is very dry,except during the rainy season which is mid June till the end of Sept. So the river bed is very dry the rest of the time. 

Next stop. 1016 W Alameda. The house where I told mom I was being "messed" with.

WOW, that brought all kinds of feelings. Some I really couldn't even explain.  I drove around the block a couple of times. Then I parked the car over on the next block and walked back. As I walked around the house taking pictures of the front and back, memories started flood my mind.

There was a peace, but at the same time, a deep feeling of I'm home or goodbye. I didn't understand it. I walked around the block two or three times until I was afraid someone would start thinking I was up to something. Most of the people I seen were Mexican, so I did kind of stick out walking around the same place several minutes.

I then drove the two blocks to the school I went to. I remember standing on the playground in the corner not playing with anyone, because I didn't want them guessing my "dirty" secret.

I wanted to walk around the playground, but since school was letting out, and it was mostly Hispanic children running around, I didn't think that would be a good idea. I didn't even set in my car long, for fear of someone thinking I was up to something. I had planned to come back later for a walk in the playground but it didn't happen.

So I went to A Mountain. Sitting up there looking down at the town,sure was a beutiful site. 

Renting a Car

 

At the car rental, the gentleman ask me if I had family or was this a business trip. I told him I lived here 40 years ago and just came back for a Short visit. He said well maybe this is just the beginning trip. I must have had ? on my face, because he said, "I think you'll be back to live soon." I just laughed and said, "Only if God moves me here." He said, "Well you know, that can happen." He then stated he had just the car for me. It's small and sassy like you and it even has a sun roof. I laughed and ask him are you calling me an air head? He laughed and said no, you just have such a positive attitude and a nice smile. Don't let any one take that from you. Finally got to the car and was trying to figure everything out. Man! is is a nice car.
OK, NOW THE FUN BEGINS!!

It was really funny how are these things were said to me, cause I'm not a people person, I stay to my self. I don't talk to strangers. And yet the Lord used all these different people to let me know that this trip was His plan. And He used mostly men to do it. As my testimony unfolds, I had (have) a BIG trust issue with men. Yet, that's who God has put in my path from Indy airport all during my trip.

Airports

Sitting at Indy airport at 4 am on 2/24/08 drinking orange juice, I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. I kind of was in my own little world. A man sitting at the next table said, "Good morning." I looked up and said, "Good morning."
He then started talking. One of the things he said was, there are so many stuck up people in this world any more your afraid to even say hi to some. But with that smile on your face and that sweat shirt (God Bless America) I knew you were a friendly person. (ME)?
We talked for a while and then he said, "have a good trip" and left. He came back in a bit and said they weren't open yet. (meaning security) I know, that's why I was still setting there!
Finally I was on the plane and on the way to Dallas, where I had a 2 hr layover.
While in Dallas, I sat at McDonald's. An older gentlemen sat across from me. He ask me if I was headed to warmer or colder climate? I told him I came from Cold IN & headed to warmer AZ. He said he was from Texas but headed to Mexico. He then ask did I have family or friends in Tucson. I told him I was on a business trip. (I didn't think he would understand that it was business with the Lord).
As we talked, he ask what kind of job I had. I told him I was in the ministry and we worked with homeless women and children. I told him about KRM and gave him the web site. One thing led to another and as we were talking about the Grace of God and how most of our women came to us drug and alcohol addicted the people around was listening. One lady moved over net to us and said, "Hope you don't mind, but I can't hear you all very well over there. And I hear you talking about our Lord and helping people on drugs." So she joined in on our conversation. There was n older gentleman next to me who was done eating but just sat there. Then the guy on the other side called someone and told them to listen. Neither of these men said anything to the 3 of us. Finally the gentleman who first started talking said he had to go catch his plane. We told him have a good flight an God Bless. The lady ask me if I knew him. Nope. She kind f laugh and said, "Well, sometimes when you talk about the Lord people run." I said, "yes, but then again just maybe what someone hears will help in their journey to  Him for the first time." The guy with the cell phone said something to the person on the phone,(first time he had spoken) then hung up. He looked at me and said, "Thank you,  and got up and left. The lady and I just looked at each other  and smiled. Finally the gentleman next to me started talking to the lady. I told them both to have a blessed day and I had to get to my plane. The trip from Dallas to Tucson was a 2 hr flight. But once on the plane a clumsy women (not me) fell over her suitcase and had to be treated. Since they used the first aid kit they had to wait on the maintenance to bring them another one.
Then there was a stewardess who got into it with a passenger and had to leave the plane. So we had to wait until they got another steward there before we could take off.
Finally we left without anymore trouble. And landed in Tucson.

Getting ready to go

I walked into Dave's office one day and sat down and said," God wants me to go to Tucson. But I'm not going, I'm going to FL like I usually do." Dave just looked at me and grinned.
Dave was my councilor. Some of the issues that we had worked on were those of child abuse that happened when I lived in Tucson. God was doing some big things in my life, and healing some mighty big wounds. But I had no intentions of going to Tucson to face the giants that I had left there 40 some years ago.
Dave said, "Why don't you tell me what your talking about. You look like your upset." I stated that I was. I told him that I had been studying and praying and God had been dealing with me about Tucson. It was about the time I went to FL each year to visit my niece, so I was looking up the plane fare. And Tucson kept coming to mind. My niece bought my ticket to FL, so I didn't have to worry about that, so I kept telling the Lord I didn't have the money to go  to Tucson anyway, even if I wanted to go.
Dave said did you look up the fare? I told him I look at a couple but not hotels or anything like that, cause I ain't going! Then he pulled his favorite phase on me! Are you going to do what you want, or what the Lord wants? I hated it when he ask me that!!
I said, "FINE, I'll see if I can fine something I can afford." Dave laughed and asked me what was my price range. I told him under $500 for the whole trip.
He ask me if I thought the Lord couldn't do it. I said, 'Of course not, I know He can do anything. I'm just hoping He sees fit not to."
Price for round trip, hotel, & car $248. That was for 3 days 4 nights.
A couple of reasons the Lord kept laying on my heart for going was:
1. I had to go back to the house where I told my mom about Frank.
2. I had to bury the little girl who had  died on the inside years ago, but still loss and
    without closure.
3. The little who girl who dreamed she could fly, was about to come true.
Wow, that's a lot to work on in 3 days.

Jumping around

I guess I'm kind of jumping around. But I'm writing as I'm thinking of things. That's how my mind works. I think the next big thing I want to write about is my trip to Tucson. I know there is lots of things in between my trip to Fl and Tucson. There was lots of pain and lots of healing.
Actually 5 years of learning to turn it over to the Lord. Learning to let go of the past. Learning to heal, to love God's way, to forgive...
Yep, there was 5 years between my FL trip where I met the loving Jesus, and my trip to Tucson, where I met the forgiving Jesus.

Scared of the dark

As a child I was locked in closets. That made me claustrophobic. Let me back up some.
My grandmother who took care of us while my mom worked, use to  lock me in the closet during the day. It was a very dark and scary place for a scared little girl. I can remember wetting my pants then getting whipped for that. So I learned to hold it all day.
I was told if I told mom, I would be in worst trouble. So in my  mind I couldn't even begin to think of what else she might do.
So I grew up  very scared of the dark. Even after I became a mother, I would wet my self before I would be able to go into a dark room to get to the bathroom if I was home alone. I couldn't go outside after dark, or even go near a door that led out doors.
I couldn't ride in an elevator. I couldn't shut a shower curtain to take a shower.
For several years, I couldn't even stand someone to hug me, it would take my breath away. It was like they were coking me.
The weird thing was, I had to have all the lights off if I was home alone, so I could see. I knew that  would give me the advantage over anyone if they were in the house.
I was very paranoid.
When healing started, the Lord didn't leave the closet out. His way of dealing with it was to take that little scared girl back to the dark closet. Let me explain. I had a closet in my house that had a sticky door nob. One day as I was praying and seeking the Lord, He led me to go into that closet. I shut the door. It stuck, I panic. I kicked the door in. Then a peace came over me. I felt the Holy Spirit say, "The little Brenda is stuck in the closet no more,  she is free."
He knows our hurts and pains. He knows how to set us free. Praise His Holy Name.

Jasmine's Birthday

4/2/11 Today is my granddaughter's 19th birthday. Wow, she has grown into a beautiful young lady! I remember when she was around 18 months  old. We would go to the house and she wouldn't talk to me, but want to go to the store and get M&M'S. She would hold her arms up, and I would pick her up, and carry her downstairs, and we would go to the store get candy and take her home. Bri never wanted to go at first. She was a tomboy, but loves to be a girly girl too. She Loves dresses, & shoes, but wouldn't wear shoes. Yet she wanted to buy new shoes all the time. (Still does) To date, she has over a 100 pair!

She always loved to help me babysit. Like her grandma, she loves babies and small children!

She graduated high school mid term, but is going to walk down the isle with her class this June.

She is going to Business Collage in Indy this fall. She wants to be a medical student.

I am so proud of her, and so thankful God let me be her grandma. I love you, Jasmine.

Working on old post

I haven't written any new post lately because I've been updating my old post. I've been going back and writing things I remember in my older post.
I still have more to write in new post, but want to update old ones when I remember things in those time areas.
So that is the reason for not having new ones for the month of March, But I haven't given up. I'm just remembering more and more, and working kind of slow.

My trip to FL

I posted about my testimony, (post, My Testimony written in 03) I mentioned about how God was in the whole trip, not just when I was on the beach in Fl. This post is about that trip.
I had a friend take me to the bus stop in my town. It was late in the evening. I hadn't bought my ticket yet, but knew how much a one way and a round trip would cost. Now mind you, had no intention of returning, but a round trip was cheaper. So I bought a round trip. I had just pack a overnight bag, with two changes of clothes, my bible and a couple of snacks. It was a 22 hour trip. I had worn two sweatshirts cause I knew when we got to KY it would start getting warmer. I didn't want to worry with a coat. I had walked  to the Bible book store the week before and bought a necklace with a mustard seed in it. Because I thought maybe I did have that much faith. But believe me, ALL THE FAITH I HAD WAS WHAT I WORE AROUND MY NECK. And I held on to that necklace like it was a life line to the Lord.
As I was waiting for the bus, a couple from church was there waiting to put their daughter and grandson on the bus. She was going to her in-laws down South. My friend ask me where I was going and if I had friends in FL. I told her no. I was very emotional, so I tried to stay away from them as much as possible. She came up to me crying and ask if I would kind of look out for her kids and make sure they got on the right bus in Indy. I told her yes.
The baby was 8 months old. When we got on the bus, she sat next to me, and I ask her if I could hold him. When we got to Indy, I was supposed to get on a different bus. But they were having trouble with getting everyone a seat, so we ended up on the same bus to KY. So I held little man all the way! He was so sweet and cuddly. As he snuggled up to me, I cried into his sweet smelling hair. I prayed and wondered why I couldn't hear anything from the Lord. (Maybe I wasn't listening)
Once we got to KY, I called my husband and told him where I was, and where I was going. He had told me he had called my friend looking for me. He had been with his "friend" when I left. My friend wouldn't tell him anything, and of course he was very upset with me. I told him I did what I thought I had to do. He told me to call him when I got to Fl. I went into the bathroom to take off my sweatshirts. My chain to my necklace fell off into my hand. I couldn't find my mustard seed anywhere. I was literally sick to my stomach! I felt like I had just lost my life line to God! I walked back out side looking for it, and around the bus, but I couldn't get on the bus. As I was standing in line for the next bus, I kept getting the feeling to go get a coke. I don't drink when traveling, cause of having to use the bathroom.,but the feeling was overwhelming. So I started to the vending machines and there was my heart shaped necklace with the mustard seed. I almost shouted out loud!! God is so good. I didn't have to buy a drink after all. And oh by the way, my baby and I ended up on the same bus all the way to Nashville Tn. God knew they needed someone to look out for them. :)
When we left Ky, the driver was new. He had no idea where he was going, and got lost in Nashville. We were over an hour late getting to the bus terminal. So I missed my next bus. I had to wait 4 hours to catch another bus going to AL.
Ever been to Nashville bus terminal in the middle of the night? Not a good plan. Especially if your a lady traveling alone.
My baby and his momma had gotten on their bus about an hour after we got there. Like I said, Since I missed my bus because our driver was late, I had to wait 4 hours for another bus. There was a couple of soldiers who had gotten on our bus in KY who were going to AL also. So they were waiting for the same bus I was.
Any way, back to the terminal.
There were a lot of shady looking men standing around. I headed straight to the bathroom as soon as I got my friends on their bus. I spent as much time as I could in there. After I came out, I started toward the dinner. A man came up to me and said, "Can you help me?" I said, "I don't think so." He grabbed my arm, and said, "Yes you can." I grabbed my mace out of my pocket and said, "No, I can't." He let go of my arm, and said, "Oh, excuse me." And took off out the door. The police officer came over and ask me if I needed any help. I showed him my mace and told him I already had help. He laughed and said, " that's why he took off so fast. I was on my way over, when I seen him take your arm." I thought to myself, he would of had me out the door as slow as you were. But hey, I guess it was the thought that counts. :)
I went on in and look at the menu to get something to eat. I figured I would be safe in there for awhile. A grilled cheese and coke cost $6. Cheapest thing on the menu.
After I went back into the terminal I sat next to one of the soldiers. We started talking and I ask him where he was from and if he had family. He was headed home. He had a wife and small son. We talked about his childhood. How he grew up in church and how he had gotten away from it. How he wanted to get his son in church, but his wife had never been. The Lord used me to witness to him for over 2 hours. We talked about his time in the Army, how he was scared of dying without the Lord and all kinds of things. One thing led to other. When our bus finally got there, he said, " you know, now I know why our bus was late." I look at him and ask him why. He said, " So you could help me see what I need to do when I get home." I just smiled at him, cause I couldn't speak at that moment!
I think on our ride to AL he fell asleep. I didn't. I was thinking. I was asking God what was He up to. Why was he having me to witness to this young man, when He knew I was on my way to FL to end my life. I felt like a hypocrite. OK, I was a hypocrite. Right before we got to the young man's stop he woke up, and ask me to pray with him. MAN, that bout done me in. I told him I would be happy to pray with him. I did, I prayed that the Lord would be with him, his family, lead him, show him what to do. Help him in his decisions and all the right things he needed. You know the Lord led me to say the right things for that young man. When we stopped. His wife and baby son, who he hadn't seen in 8 months was waiting for him. It made me cry. As they came up to the bus, he grabbed his son and ran back up on the bus and came to me, and said, We will be in church Sunday, Thank you. I
said good. Hard hearted heart was melting, I just didn't realize it at that moment.
The rest of the trip to Fl was uneventful. It was very late when we got to the bus station. I ask the lady behind the counter where the beach was. She said this is the beach. I said OK, where's the beach area with hotels and water? She stated just over that bridge. You don't want to get a hotel on this side of the bridge, this is the ruff side of town. I said,"Thanks, then I could walk to the hotels?" She kind of looked at me like I was crazy, and stated that she thought it was a little far, and it probably wouldn't be to safe this late at night. She didn't brother to mention that the bridge was 4 miles long, or the hotels with the water behind them, were 5 miles on the other side of the bridge!
She called a cab for me. I got a friendly lady who then called a friend of hers who owned one of the hotels. I had told her that I was running away from "home" I told her I needed a "cheap" room and as near the water as I could get. She pulled up to a hotel and told me that the BEACH was just behind the wall. I told her thank you and it was fun talking to her.
I got my room, and finally called my husband who started in about how worried he had been, and how he had called my friend and our pastor to see if they had heard from me. I told him I had just got to my room and how the bus had been late, and I had told him that I would call when I got to FL and I did. He ask me if I had changed my mind about how long I was going to be there, and I told him I was tired and I would talk to him later and hung up.
I laid down about 2 hours, and got up just as the sun was coming up to walk to the beach.
I walked behind the wall like the lady said, and that didn't get me anywhere. So I walked around for a few minutes not finding the water. Finally I seen a young man walking, so I ask him where the beach was. He said,"your on it." I said, "OK how do I get to the water?" He then stated, that I needed to head toward that line of hotels, and go behind them, and I would find the beach area, and water. These FL people were down right wield!! I told him Thank You, and I headed off. 45 minutes later I found the water. I guess I should of ask how far the water was, not the beach!
Have you ever just sat and looked out at the the ocean? The sky and the water just blend together. It's beautiful.
When I found the ocean early Monday morning, it was beautiful. I walked around for about an hour just arguing with God. (Well, I was arguing, He was listening)
That afternoon I walked back to the beach, and again that Evening.
Tue. I thought OK; today is when I will do it. So I walked there in the morning took pictures of the sunrise over the ocean, and went back to my hotel.
Now you got to remember this is the last of Jan. so there wasn't very many people on the beach any of the times I had walk on it. And what was they were all older folks.
(I fall into that category) As I waited for sunset, I read the bible and prayed, and argued with the Lord. I kept saying if you really loved me like everyone says I wouldn't feel this way, and I could hear from you. I wasn't hearing anything. (Or maybe I just wasn't listening).
As it started getting later in the day, I walked back to the ocean. I was sitting in the sand waiting for nightfall. I swear there were old people all around. I think everyone in FL was on that beach. I was really getting mad, I said, "God are you sending these people here, it won't work, I will wait till They all go back to their hotels."
As I was sitting there, I heard the word Jonah. GREAT, now I hear His voice! I said "God that's not going to work, I'm out of here, you’re to late to talk to me now." Again I heard the word Jonah.
I had forgotten that the Lord had told me 2 years earlier that he wanted me to preach His word and use my life as a testimony for him, to help set other captives free. (Now I still wasn't free, so that seemed funny to me).
I had been setting there for about 30 minutes just staring out at the ocean in the same spot all this time. I hear the word Jonah, After the second time I heard Jonah, I swear, I saw a big fish jump. I said out loud, OK now I've lost my mind to. I turned and faced a different direction, and I heard God very loud and clear.
"I did it once, I can do it again." And I saw that fish jump again.
I jumped up and yelled, "Fine, I'm leaving." The only thing that was going through my mind at that moment was: the stupid fish would sallow me and spit me up in Iran or somewhere and I wouldn't know how to get back home. As I walked back to my hotel, and was yelling at God, all I kept hearing was I LOVE YOU. I kept saying, no you don't. As I was crossing a 4-lane highway, it finally hit me, HE REALLY DOES LOVE ME. I stopped right in the middle of the road, and when he repeated "I love you" I FINALLY got it. He really did love me.
I could feel the junk roll off of me starting from the top of my head all the way to my feet. I really thought when I look down, there would be a whole in the pavement. That's how FREE I felt.
I called my pastor and let him know what happened, and told him I was coming home.
Things didn't get better at home, my husband admitted to an affair, and we ended up divorced.
But I ended up closer to my Savior, and ministering to hurting and abused women on a daily basis.
God will meet us where we are, when we need Him the most!

Walk a mile in my shoes

2/12/11 Today was our annual walk a mile fund raiser for Open Arms. This year is our 10th anniversary. And by the grace of God, we had more walkers today, than we ever had before, 915. Our goal was to raise $85,000. We raised $101,702.75 Praise the Lord. He is so good.
I've been homeless. I've been in these ladies shoes. I've had to walk every where I needed to go. I've needed to depend on others to help me get my life back on track.  I thank God for others who take time to reach out and help men, women and children who need a hand to get back on their feet. Some people say, they can get a job, they don't need to be homeless if they don't want to be. That's not always true.
When I was homeless sleeping in the park by the river, or under the picnic table, hoping the police wouldn't catch me, I had a job. I just didn't make enough to rent an apartment, or a motel room in the town I lived in. My boyfriend had decided to go back to his wife, since I was living with him, I didn't have any where to stay. It was Dec. So it was very cold out. But you do what you have to do. The town I lived in didn't have a women's shelter. I did come to the women's shelter here in Kokomo, but at that time, you could only stay 3 nights. They didn't have Open Arms then. They had the house on Taylor St. This was in 91. The trustee wouldn't help me get housing, because I wasn't from Howard co.  I finally found an apartment I could afford in the town I worked in. I had a mattress, dresser, big chair, kitchen table and one chair, cooler to keep stuff cool in. It had a stove in it. But it was home. I had two sets of curtains that fit the front room windows. the bedroom window was a sheet. You know, that place was great. It was warm, it had lights and running water. And it was mine. I never thought I would be without a place to live. It happened like overnight. It lasted two weeks. But two weeks in Dec. is a long time. Things are much different now. Open Arms has many more beds than they did back then. They also have meals on site, where they had to walk to the main mission when they were in the Taylor house. They have Bible studies, case workers... on site. That was things they didn't have in much of in  91. God has blessed the women and children who live at OA with wonderful tools to help them get back on their feet, and to get spiritually healthy.
Without the Walk-a-Mile and all who donate we wouldn't be able to do God's work.