My testiomoy written in 03

I wrote this testimony several years ago. I believe in 2003. But wanted to share it today.
As a child I was sexually, mentally and physically abused. I grew up very hard, never cried from the age of five up, because if I cried when hit, I got hit till I quit crying. I could do just about anything on my own, cause I would never ask for help from anyone. I was very depressed, and the only emotion I ever showed was anger. I grew up a street fighter, and could whip just about anyone.  Oh, believe me, I did get my rear whipped a few times to.
Love to me meant hurt. And if you said trust me, you were on my list, and it wasn't a trust list. I went to church as a child, and grew up confused about God.
A Sunday school teacher told me once that Jesus loved us, and would never let any thing bad happen to us, and God his father would take care of all his children that he loved. So I thought that Jesus and God didn't love me, because I was so bad. (This is what I heard from the age 5 up) I was stupid, dumb and would never mount to any thing. I grew up believing that.
I got married at 16 to get out of the house. I had 2 babies by the time I was 18.
I became an alcoholic, was addicted to mussel relaxers and became harder than I already was. I got saved at the age of 28, but didn't have a personal relationship with the Lord, because I didn't know you could.
I was in and out of the hospital & rehabs all the time. I backslid in 91, started running around, drinking and ended a 21 Yr. marriage. I tried to kill myself New Year's Eve. The Dr. said I had enough stuff in me to kill 3 big men; someone upstairs must have been looking out for me. I was VERY mad at God; I thought he just kept me here to punish me some more.
I remarried in 93. I rededicated my life to the Lord in 94. Things got a little better, but my past was still my life. I tried to forget it, but it kept popping up. I fell into depression all the time, and days on end I wouldn't get out of bed, or anything.
We started attending the church I go to now in 98. The people there were not like any other church I had ever attended. They were very loving, like to hug and just different.
When I would fall into my depression, someone would call and tell me they loved me, and I couldn't understand that. Things got some better, and the depression and sickness became further and future apart. I still couldn't get the hang of God really loving me.
In Dec. of 02 my husband came to get me at work for lunch and said, this marriage sucks and I want out. That blew me away, cause I didn't think we were having trouble. Things were going like they always did.
I suffered through Christmas, and in Jan. decided I’d had enough. I had talked to my pastor a few times, and a friend at work, but nothing seem to change the stuff in my head. I knew killing myself was wrong, but the devil had me so bound that I really thought it was the only way out.
A friend at church told me that I had to get hold of the fact that the Lord loved me.
I told her he didn't love me; I had too much wrong with me, for him to truly love and forgive me. (This is from my past; I was told not even God could love someone like me).
I told my pastor why I was going to Fl. and he tried to talk me out of it. But my mind was made up and I was going to end all this turmoil I was going through. I never told my husband that I was even leaving. I got to Louisville Ky. & called him, and told him where and why I was going.
I need to write down all the things of the trip, which you can see God working from the bus station here till I came back. (But that is all another story).
Any way I took my bible and was reading it, but I just wasn't getting anywhere. I was a Christian, and I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it just seemed to keep pulling me to do it.
I went to the ocean early Monday morning, and it was beautiful. I walked around for about an hour just arguing with God. (Well, I was arguing, He was listening) I walked back to my hotel, which was a 45 min walk each way.
That afternoon I walked back to the beach, and again that Evening. Tue. I thought OK; today is when I will do it. So I walked there in the morning took pictures of the sunrise over the ocean, and went back to my hotel.
Now you got to remember this is the last of Jan. so there wasn't very many people there at all. And what was they were all older folks.
(I fall into that category) As I waited for sunset, I read the bible and prayed, and argued with the Lord. I kept saying if you really loved me like everyone says I wouldn't feel this way, and I could hear from you. I wasn't hearing anything. (Or maybe I just wasn't listening).
As it started getting late, I walked back to the ocean. I was sitting in the sand waiting for nightfall. I swear there were old people all around. I think everyone in FL was on that beach. I was really getting mad, I said, "God are you sending these people here, it won't work, I will wait till They all go back to their hotels."
As I was sitting there, I heard the word Jonah. I said "God that's not going to work, I'm out of here, you’re to late to talk to me now." Again I heard the word Jonah.
I forgot to tell you the Lord told me 2 years ago that he wanted me to use my life as a testimony for him, and to help set other captives free. (Now I still wasn't free, so that seemed funny to me).
I had been setting there for about 30 minutes waiting for all the people to leave, but it seemed that more just kept coming. I had been staring out at the ocean in one spot all this time. After the second time I heard Jonah, I swear, I saw a big fish jump. I said
out loud, OK now I've lost my mind to. I turned and faced a different direction, and I heard God very loud and clear.
"I did it once, I can do it again." And I saw that fish jump again.
I jumped up and yelled, "Fine, I'm going home." This little lady was walking in front of me, and I scared her, she said honey are you OK? I said NO, I'm mad. When I'm mad I walk fast, so the 45 min walk was only 25 min. that night.
As I walked back to my hotel, I was yelling at God, I kept hearing, I LOVE YOU.
I said no you don't. As I was crossing a 4-lane highway, it finally hit me,
HE REALLY DOES LOVE ME. I stopped right in the middle of the road, and when he said, I love you, I said, you really do, and it felt like a ton of bricks lifted off my chest.
(So He protected me from getting hit also)
I called my pastor and told him I was coming home. He said I have been praying, and the Lord told me about an hour ago, that every thing was OK. That is about the time, I finally got it, that he did really love me.
Since then I have been learning things and the Lord is teaching me things I never got before.
As far as home life things got worse. My husband finally admitted to having an affair. And there were lots of hard days. But I knew I could and did cry out to the Lord and he helped me through them.
So it's like I became a new Christian in Jan. or at least a new person.
Everyone around me keeps saying, how much I have changed and that I am a very strong person, cause I can smile and keep going through all this.
They don't know how many times I fell on my face and cried and prayed till Jesus reached down and picked me up and gave me the peace only he can give.
The Lord has been doing so much in my life, that I know wouldn't have happened if the devil hadn't tried to destroy me with this. I was very CO dependent on Dane, now I am very dependent on my Lord, which is what I should have been all-alone. But Praise God He never gave up on me.
Now I minister to hurting women all the time, and I do use my past life as a testimony to uplift my Lord and savior as to what He brought me from and how He is with us no matter what.
He is the only one who cares enough to stick with us through every fire and trial we go through.
As the years fly by since that day, God has never left me, and He has helped me through some very ruff time. After the divorce, (one that I didn’t want) Jesus saw me through all the finances, and other things that in the natural I could have never done. But my Lord gave me peace and seen I was taken care of by his power.
I can’t praise my savior enough.