My trip to FL

I posted about my testimony, (post, My Testimony written in 03) I mentioned about how God was in the whole trip, not just when I was on the beach in Fl. This post is about that trip.
I had a friend take me to the bus stop in my town. It was late in the evening. I hadn't bought my ticket yet, but knew how much a one way and a round trip would cost. Now mind you, had no intention of returning, but a round trip was cheaper. So I bought a round trip. I had just pack a overnight bag, with two changes of clothes, my bible and a couple of snacks. It was a 22 hour trip. I had worn two sweatshirts cause I knew when we got to KY it would start getting warmer. I didn't want to worry with a coat. I had walked  to the Bible book store the week before and bought a necklace with a mustard seed in it. Because I thought maybe I did have that much faith. But believe me, ALL THE FAITH I HAD WAS WHAT I WORE AROUND MY NECK. And I held on to that necklace like it was a life line to the Lord.
As I was waiting for the bus, a couple from church was there waiting to put their daughter and grandson on the bus. She was going to her in-laws down South. My friend ask me where I was going and if I had friends in FL. I told her no. I was very emotional, so I tried to stay away from them as much as possible. She came up to me crying and ask if I would kind of look out for her kids and make sure they got on the right bus in Indy. I told her yes.
The baby was 8 months old. When we got on the bus, she sat next to me, and I ask her if I could hold him. When we got to Indy, I was supposed to get on a different bus. But they were having trouble with getting everyone a seat, so we ended up on the same bus to KY. So I held little man all the way! He was so sweet and cuddly. As he snuggled up to me, I cried into his sweet smelling hair. I prayed and wondered why I couldn't hear anything from the Lord. (Maybe I wasn't listening)
Once we got to KY, I called my husband and told him where I was, and where I was going. He had told me he had called my friend looking for me. He had been with his "friend" when I left. My friend wouldn't tell him anything, and of course he was very upset with me. I told him I did what I thought I had to do. He told me to call him when I got to Fl. I went into the bathroom to take off my sweatshirts. My chain to my necklace fell off into my hand. I couldn't find my mustard seed anywhere. I was literally sick to my stomach! I felt like I had just lost my life line to God! I walked back out side looking for it, and around the bus, but I couldn't get on the bus. As I was standing in line for the next bus, I kept getting the feeling to go get a coke. I don't drink when traveling, cause of having to use the bathroom.,but the feeling was overwhelming. So I started to the vending machines and there was my heart shaped necklace with the mustard seed. I almost shouted out loud!! God is so good. I didn't have to buy a drink after all. And oh by the way, my baby and I ended up on the same bus all the way to Nashville Tn. God knew they needed someone to look out for them. :)
When we left Ky, the driver was new. He had no idea where he was going, and got lost in Nashville. We were over an hour late getting to the bus terminal. So I missed my next bus. I had to wait 4 hours to catch another bus going to AL.
Ever been to Nashville bus terminal in the middle of the night? Not a good plan. Especially if your a lady traveling alone.
My baby and his momma had gotten on their bus about an hour after we got there. Like I said, Since I missed my bus because our driver was late, I had to wait 4 hours for another bus. There was a couple of soldiers who had gotten on our bus in KY who were going to AL also. So they were waiting for the same bus I was.
Any way, back to the terminal.
There were a lot of shady looking men standing around. I headed straight to the bathroom as soon as I got my friends on their bus. I spent as much time as I could in there. After I came out, I started toward the dinner. A man came up to me and said, "Can you help me?" I said, "I don't think so." He grabbed my arm, and said, "Yes you can." I grabbed my mace out of my pocket and said, "No, I can't." He let go of my arm, and said, "Oh, excuse me." And took off out the door. The police officer came over and ask me if I needed any help. I showed him my mace and told him I already had help. He laughed and said, " that's why he took off so fast. I was on my way over, when I seen him take your arm." I thought to myself, he would of had me out the door as slow as you were. But hey, I guess it was the thought that counts. :)
I went on in and look at the menu to get something to eat. I figured I would be safe in there for awhile. A grilled cheese and coke cost $6. Cheapest thing on the menu.
After I went back into the terminal I sat next to one of the soldiers. We started talking and I ask him where he was from and if he had family. He was headed home. He had a wife and small son. We talked about his childhood. How he grew up in church and how he had gotten away from it. How he wanted to get his son in church, but his wife had never been. The Lord used me to witness to him for over 2 hours. We talked about his time in the Army, how he was scared of dying without the Lord and all kinds of things. One thing led to other. When our bus finally got there, he said, " you know, now I know why our bus was late." I look at him and ask him why. He said, " So you could help me see what I need to do when I get home." I just smiled at him, cause I couldn't speak at that moment!
I think on our ride to AL he fell asleep. I didn't. I was thinking. I was asking God what was He up to. Why was he having me to witness to this young man, when He knew I was on my way to FL to end my life. I felt like a hypocrite. OK, I was a hypocrite. Right before we got to the young man's stop he woke up, and ask me to pray with him. MAN, that bout done me in. I told him I would be happy to pray with him. I did, I prayed that the Lord would be with him, his family, lead him, show him what to do. Help him in his decisions and all the right things he needed. You know the Lord led me to say the right things for that young man. When we stopped. His wife and baby son, who he hadn't seen in 8 months was waiting for him. It made me cry. As they came up to the bus, he grabbed his son and ran back up on the bus and came to me, and said, We will be in church Sunday, Thank you. I
said good. Hard hearted heart was melting, I just didn't realize it at that moment.
The rest of the trip to Fl was uneventful. It was very late when we got to the bus station. I ask the lady behind the counter where the beach was. She said this is the beach. I said OK, where's the beach area with hotels and water? She stated just over that bridge. You don't want to get a hotel on this side of the bridge, this is the ruff side of town. I said,"Thanks, then I could walk to the hotels?" She kind of looked at me like I was crazy, and stated that she thought it was a little far, and it probably wouldn't be to safe this late at night. She didn't brother to mention that the bridge was 4 miles long, or the hotels with the water behind them, were 5 miles on the other side of the bridge!
She called a cab for me. I got a friendly lady who then called a friend of hers who owned one of the hotels. I had told her that I was running away from "home" I told her I needed a "cheap" room and as near the water as I could get. She pulled up to a hotel and told me that the BEACH was just behind the wall. I told her thank you and it was fun talking to her.
I got my room, and finally called my husband who started in about how worried he had been, and how he had called my friend and our pastor to see if they had heard from me. I told him I had just got to my room and how the bus had been late, and I had told him that I would call when I got to FL and I did. He ask me if I had changed my mind about how long I was going to be there, and I told him I was tired and I would talk to him later and hung up.
I laid down about 2 hours, and got up just as the sun was coming up to walk to the beach.
I walked behind the wall like the lady said, and that didn't get me anywhere. So I walked around for a few minutes not finding the water. Finally I seen a young man walking, so I ask him where the beach was. He said,"your on it." I said, "OK how do I get to the water?" He then stated, that I needed to head toward that line of hotels, and go behind them, and I would find the beach area, and water. These FL people were down right wield!! I told him Thank You, and I headed off. 45 minutes later I found the water. I guess I should of ask how far the water was, not the beach!
Have you ever just sat and looked out at the the ocean? The sky and the water just blend together. It's beautiful.
When I found the ocean early Monday morning, it was beautiful. I walked around for about an hour just arguing with God. (Well, I was arguing, He was listening)
That afternoon I walked back to the beach, and again that Evening.
Tue. I thought OK; today is when I will do it. So I walked there in the morning took pictures of the sunrise over the ocean, and went back to my hotel.
Now you got to remember this is the last of Jan. so there wasn't very many people on the beach any of the times I had walk on it. And what was they were all older folks.
(I fall into that category) As I waited for sunset, I read the bible and prayed, and argued with the Lord. I kept saying if you really loved me like everyone says I wouldn't feel this way, and I could hear from you. I wasn't hearing anything. (Or maybe I just wasn't listening).
As it started getting later in the day, I walked back to the ocean. I was sitting in the sand waiting for nightfall. I swear there were old people all around. I think everyone in FL was on that beach. I was really getting mad, I said, "God are you sending these people here, it won't work, I will wait till They all go back to their hotels."
As I was sitting there, I heard the word Jonah. GREAT, now I hear His voice! I said "God that's not going to work, I'm out of here, you’re to late to talk to me now." Again I heard the word Jonah.
I had forgotten that the Lord had told me 2 years earlier that he wanted me to preach His word and use my life as a testimony for him, to help set other captives free. (Now I still wasn't free, so that seemed funny to me).
I had been setting there for about 30 minutes just staring out at the ocean in the same spot all this time. I hear the word Jonah, After the second time I heard Jonah, I swear, I saw a big fish jump. I said out loud, OK now I've lost my mind to. I turned and faced a different direction, and I heard God very loud and clear.
"I did it once, I can do it again." And I saw that fish jump again.
I jumped up and yelled, "Fine, I'm leaving." The only thing that was going through my mind at that moment was: the stupid fish would sallow me and spit me up in Iran or somewhere and I wouldn't know how to get back home. As I walked back to my hotel, and was yelling at God, all I kept hearing was I LOVE YOU. I kept saying, no you don't. As I was crossing a 4-lane highway, it finally hit me, HE REALLY DOES LOVE ME. I stopped right in the middle of the road, and when he repeated "I love you" I FINALLY got it. He really did love me.
I could feel the junk roll off of me starting from the top of my head all the way to my feet. I really thought when I look down, there would be a whole in the pavement. That's how FREE I felt.
I called my pastor and let him know what happened, and told him I was coming home.
Things didn't get better at home, my husband admitted to an affair, and we ended up divorced.
But I ended up closer to my Savior, and ministering to hurting and abused women on a daily basis.
God will meet us where we are, when we need Him the most!

Walk a mile in my shoes

2/12/11 Today was our annual walk a mile fund raiser for Open Arms. This year is our 10th anniversary. And by the grace of God, we had more walkers today, than we ever had before, 915. Our goal was to raise $85,000. We raised $101,702.75 Praise the Lord. He is so good.
I've been homeless. I've been in these ladies shoes. I've had to walk every where I needed to go. I've needed to depend on others to help me get my life back on track.  I thank God for others who take time to reach out and help men, women and children who need a hand to get back on their feet. Some people say, they can get a job, they don't need to be homeless if they don't want to be. That's not always true.
When I was homeless sleeping in the park by the river, or under the picnic table, hoping the police wouldn't catch me, I had a job. I just didn't make enough to rent an apartment, or a motel room in the town I lived in. My boyfriend had decided to go back to his wife, since I was living with him, I didn't have any where to stay. It was Dec. So it was very cold out. But you do what you have to do. The town I lived in didn't have a women's shelter. I did come to the women's shelter here in Kokomo, but at that time, you could only stay 3 nights. They didn't have Open Arms then. They had the house on Taylor St. This was in 91. The trustee wouldn't help me get housing, because I wasn't from Howard co.  I finally found an apartment I could afford in the town I worked in. I had a mattress, dresser, big chair, kitchen table and one chair, cooler to keep stuff cool in. It had a stove in it. But it was home. I had two sets of curtains that fit the front room windows. the bedroom window was a sheet. You know, that place was great. It was warm, it had lights and running water. And it was mine. I never thought I would be without a place to live. It happened like overnight. It lasted two weeks. But two weeks in Dec. is a long time. Things are much different now. Open Arms has many more beds than they did back then. They also have meals on site, where they had to walk to the main mission when they were in the Taylor house. They have Bible studies, case workers... on site. That was things they didn't have in much of in  91. God has blessed the women and children who live at OA with wonderful tools to help them get back on their feet, and to get spiritually healthy.
Without the Walk-a-Mile and all who donate we wouldn't be able to do God's work.

My sis's 52 nd birthday

2/11/2011 Today is my baby sister's birthday. She is 5 years younger than me. I remember mom telling us how I prayed for a girl. She ask my brother if he wanted a boy, and he told her, if sissy is praying for a girl, there is no sense in me wanting a boy. Jesus will give her a girl. Mom said even though she wasn't a Christian at the time, she even talked to God. And told Him, if your real, please let this be a girl, for Brenda's sake. Mom said I didn't have any doubt in my mind that we were going to have a sissy. So at the age of 5, I  believed in prayer. She was a little, dark hair, brown eyed beauty. And she will always be my little sis.

She has two beautiful daughters, and my red head nephew. She is Mimi to 3 boys and 2 girls so far.

She has always been a animal lover, and has 5 dogs and 2 cats. One of her grandsons who lives with her, has 12 pet rats! They say they are cute rats. Is there such a thing as a cute rat?? Beck said there different colors, and don't look like ordinary rats. OK, I'll take 2. NOT! :)

Though I do think baby mice are cute! I found a hurt baby mouse one time, and called my son to come and do something with it. He lives about 35 miles from me. I couldn't believe he wouldn't drive all that way just to get rid of this cute little mouse for me! He kept saying, "mom, just kill it." I kept telling him it was soooo cute, and I couldn't just kill it. You come and kill it. He told me I was crazy and to just throw it outside then. It was the middle of Feb. I finally found a gift bag and filled it with Kleenex and put some cheese in it, and took it to the dumpster across the alley. My grandkids thought it was funny that grandma couldn't kill a mouse.

2/10/11 Today is my birthday

Today I've made it to 57 years old. To look back on my life, I would have to say, that is something I didn't think would ever happen. And only by the Grace of God, it did. How great is my God? He can take a broken piece of clay, put it back on the potters wheel and make it into a brand new vessel that He can use again. He can heal a broken heart, and turn the darkness night into light. That's what He did with my life. Has it been easy? No, no, and no. Will it get any easier? I hope so, but I doubt it. Let's be real. Life is all about trials and being real. Some people can slide through life and seem to not get dirty at all. I fall into every mud hole I come near. But without the mud holes I wouldn't know the saving grace of my savior. How he picks me up, cleans me off, and tells me I can and must go on. Is there another mud hole, yep. And sometimes I can step over it, with the help of my Lord. Sometimes He allows me to fall into it, so I learn, and come out stronger and cleaner on the other side. I have  wondered "what good am I?"  most of my life. Why am I here? Is God punishing me? As a child those answers were, I'm no good. I'm only here to be punished for all the bad things I've done, even though I'm not sure I know what they are. And yes, God is keeping me here to punish me.
Now that I'm an adult, and have learned that God is my friend, and I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I know that: I am good, and I am here for a reason, even if I don't know what that reason is. And no, God is not punishing me. He is helping me through every trial that I've ever been through or I will ever go through.
It may have took me 40 some years "to get it" but hey, better late than never. :)
But I have to thank God for the mentors He has given me along the way. Back in the 90's it was Pastor Terry, and Pastor Dan.
God started with them to "crack" this hard shell.
But I think God's Real Grace and forgiveness started with His warriors who were very active in the healing of my past and growing in Christ, were Pastor Brad, Pastor Tom &  Pastor Dave.
These men of God prayed with and for me, counseled with me, and told me things I sometimes (lots of times) didn't want to hear, concerning what the Lord had to say, about things going on in my life. (I hated to hear it, but they usually were just confirming what God had already told me) Man, how neat it was though to go to Pastor ___ and say, guess what? I finally got it!!!!
I'm not bound by my past any longer! Praise The Lord!! Do I still have issues? Yep. Do I still have bad days? Yep. Do I have a Heavenly Father who I can and do go to now, and I know He hears me? Yep! It makes are the difference in the word!! Praise His Holy Name.

Brian's Birthday

2/9/11 Today is my grandson's 20th birthday.  How time flies. Where did that small blond haired shy little boy go that was grandma's little man?  He has now grown into a wonderful Christian young man, who has a job and is in collage. He loves the Lord, and works with youth at his church. I remember his shy little smile when he was up to something. And how his long blond hair would fly in the wind when he ran. I remember the day he wanted his hair buzzed. We tried to talk him out of it, but he wanted it done anyway. So a friend of ours cut it. When he looked in the mirror, he had tears in his eyes. But from that day on, he has worn his hair short. He has always done good in school, & has been on fire for the Lord most of his life. He's a fine young man any grandma would be proud to call her grandson, And I'm so glad he's mine. He has made my life better & brighter just because he's a big part of it.

I am so proud of him.
I love you, Brian

hating life, even as a child

Even as a child, I remember hating life. I would look at other little girls and think, they seem happy. I'm always sad.
I didn't have friends at school. I didn't want anyone to guess what was going on in my life. I had a secret. And it was a bad secret. It was one that made me ugly on the inside, so I was ugly on the outside. I would stand on the play ground away from the other kids and watch them. I wouldn't play games unless the teachers would make me. I didn't want anyone to guess my secerts. I wasn't smart in school. I had to struggle for every thing I could learn. If I got a D that was my best. I remember studing for a spelling test right before school, then getting to school, and taking it, and still missing most of the words. I was a dumb kid. And I was even a dumber kid at home. My brother was very smart in school and didn't even have to apply himself. He got straight A's when he tried. My sister was also a good student.

growing up with secrets

You know when your little, and your best friend tells you,"I got a secret, but you can't tell anyone." That's kind of what my whole life was like.
Being a surviver of childhood abuse you have lots of secrets. You learn real early in life to lie. You learn to keep "secrets" to yourself. You learn not to trust anyone. You learn that adults lie, and they don't like little kids. Old men are mean, ugly and hurt you. Where is this Jesus everyone talks about in Sunday School?
You learn to keep secrets.
(Please remember these are thoughts of yesteryear.)

The feelings no one cares

Ever feel that way?
That was the feeling I grew up with. I didn't think my mom cared. I knew my grandmother didn't like me. she'd told me enough times how much she didn't. And as I had said earlier, my views on God were real messed up. I didn't think He cared much either.
It seemed to me as a child, my mom always took my older brother's side. He had heart trouble and was in and out of the hospital a lot. So he was able to get away with a lot of stuff because of that. And he was real quick to remind me of that fact.
My sister who was 5 years younger than me, got away with stuff because she was the baby.
She would do things to get us into trouble, and then laugh about it. She did get into trouble sometimes, but not as much as we did. I think as I look back on things, Charles and I probably took a lot of it because she was our baby. But when it came to our grandmother, Becky never ever did anything wrong. With her I learned to just take whippings instead of saying anything, it was easier. If I tried to say I didn't do it, one of the others did, then I was lying, and got whipped harder.
I became one hard core little girl. I never cried from the age 5 up. Because if I cried, I got hit till I quit crying. I was 48yrs old before I cried again!
Then when the water works started the were hard to stop for awhile!!