I'm so tired of headaches

I've  had a headache all day! I'm so tired of them. Some days I let the fear get to me. Then I feel bad for that. I know God is in control. I have a Dr appointment the 4th. He is going to have to do something this time.
I had a brain bleed in April of 2000. They couldn't figure what caused it. So chalked it up to a stroke.  I was having migraines for a couple of months, worst than I ever had. The migraines are back, so sometimes I get scared.
Fear is a big issue I still battle even as a Christian. I read scripture on fear. I've even preach on fear. Does that make me less of an Christian? No, it just makes me one that needs more faith in this area. Oh, there's been lots of people out there that have told me my faith is very strong. And in lots of areas it is. But not so much when it comes to my health and these headaches!!. Sounds crazy doesn't it! I've seen God's hand so many times in my life, you would think a little thing like this would be nothing  for me.
I  mean, he has seen me through being beat & molested as a child. Two major attempts of suicide. Major depression, rape, and near death experiences.
Hmmm, ever stop to  wonder what the devil will try to use next to knock us down with? The highs and lows of life! It's a cycle. And I have to remember to thank God daily NO MATTER WHAT, He is still in control.
 My favorite Bible verse is: Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Years filled with anger and depression

These years were filled with anger and depression. I loved my husband and children, but life in general sucked. Don and I fought a lot over nothing. We split up once. I stayed with my real father for a week. That was when Donnie was 4 months old. That was a joke. Tom really never had any thing to do with my brother or me. And right after that, he told me never to bother him again. And we didn't speak for several years. Him and his wife came to my apt right after April was born and ask if they could see the baby. They had a bear that his mother gave him to give to the kids.  I let them in, and they stayed about five minutes. That was the last we spoke until he came to my house a few months before he died. My kids were in High School.
When I saw him coming up the  walk, I told Don, I wonder what he wants? He 's either dieing, or he got saved. Turned out it was both. He was also getting ready to go to prison for child molesting, and wanted me to babysit for my baby sister that I didn't even know I had. So I watched her while the trial was going on. He was convicted, and died in prison.
The only sad thing that happened at Toms funeal was: while I was holding my baby sister who was almost 3 at the time, looked at me and said. "Sissy make daddy get up out of that box." OK, I have to admit, I had tears in my eyes at that moment because that little girl didn't understand and she was hurting for her daddy. Then her "mom" came over at that moment and said," I knew you cared" I wanted to spit in her face. But I didn't for two reasons.
1. I was holding this precious little girl who had no idea her daddy was a worthless piece of fleash & a child molester.
2. I was a Christian, and I had forgiven him of all he had done. And I really didn't care what she thought.
These years were filled with drinking and parting on weekends. We had a favorit hang out in Elwood. and a certain group we ran with.
My kids were always at families. We never left them with baby sitters. No one but family ever watch my children.
I was in and out of the hospital a lot because of depression & migrians.
I went to work the same day April started kindergarten. I worked as a nurses aide.
Things had become a normal routine. And life goes on.

My testiomoy written in 03

I wrote this testimony several years ago. I believe in 2003. But wanted to share it today.
As a child I was sexually, mentally and physically abused. I grew up very hard, never cried from the age of five up, because if I cried when hit, I got hit till I quit crying. I could do just about anything on my own, cause I would never ask for help from anyone. I was very depressed, and the only emotion I ever showed was anger. I grew up a street fighter, and could whip just about anyone.  Oh, believe me, I did get my rear whipped a few times to.
Love to me meant hurt. And if you said trust me, you were on my list, and it wasn't a trust list. I went to church as a child, and grew up confused about God.
A Sunday school teacher told me once that Jesus loved us, and would never let any thing bad happen to us, and God his father would take care of all his children that he loved. So I thought that Jesus and God didn't love me, because I was so bad. (This is what I heard from the age 5 up) I was stupid, dumb and would never mount to any thing. I grew up believing that.
I got married at 16 to get out of the house. I had 2 babies by the time I was 18.
I became an alcoholic, was addicted to mussel relaxers and became harder than I already was. I got saved at the age of 28, but didn't have a personal relationship with the Lord, because I didn't know you could.
I was in and out of the hospital & rehabs all the time. I backslid in 91, started running around, drinking and ended a 21 Yr. marriage. I tried to kill myself New Year's Eve. The Dr. said I had enough stuff in me to kill 3 big men; someone upstairs must have been looking out for me. I was VERY mad at God; I thought he just kept me here to punish me some more.
I remarried in 93. I rededicated my life to the Lord in 94. Things got a little better, but my past was still my life. I tried to forget it, but it kept popping up. I fell into depression all the time, and days on end I wouldn't get out of bed, or anything.
We started attending the church I go to now in 98. The people there were not like any other church I had ever attended. They were very loving, like to hug and just different.
When I would fall into my depression, someone would call and tell me they loved me, and I couldn't understand that. Things got some better, and the depression and sickness became further and future apart. I still couldn't get the hang of God really loving me.
In Dec. of 02 my husband came to get me at work for lunch and said, this marriage sucks and I want out. That blew me away, cause I didn't think we were having trouble. Things were going like they always did.
I suffered through Christmas, and in Jan. decided I’d had enough. I had talked to my pastor a few times, and a friend at work, but nothing seem to change the stuff in my head. I knew killing myself was wrong, but the devil had me so bound that I really thought it was the only way out.
A friend at church told me that I had to get hold of the fact that the Lord loved me.
I told her he didn't love me; I had too much wrong with me, for him to truly love and forgive me. (This is from my past; I was told not even God could love someone like me).
I told my pastor why I was going to Fl. and he tried to talk me out of it. But my mind was made up and I was going to end all this turmoil I was going through. I never told my husband that I was even leaving. I got to Louisville Ky. & called him, and told him where and why I was going.
I need to write down all the things of the trip, which you can see God working from the bus station here till I came back. (But that is all another story).
Any way I took my bible and was reading it, but I just wasn't getting anywhere. I was a Christian, and I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it just seemed to keep pulling me to do it.
I went to the ocean early Monday morning, and it was beautiful. I walked around for about an hour just arguing with God. (Well, I was arguing, He was listening) I walked back to my hotel, which was a 45 min walk each way.
That afternoon I walked back to the beach, and again that Evening. Tue. I thought OK; today is when I will do it. So I walked there in the morning took pictures of the sunrise over the ocean, and went back to my hotel.
Now you got to remember this is the last of Jan. so there wasn't very many people there at all. And what was they were all older folks.
(I fall into that category) As I waited for sunset, I read the bible and prayed, and argued with the Lord. I kept saying if you really loved me like everyone says I wouldn't feel this way, and I could hear from you. I wasn't hearing anything. (Or maybe I just wasn't listening).
As it started getting late, I walked back to the ocean. I was sitting in the sand waiting for nightfall. I swear there were old people all around. I think everyone in FL was on that beach. I was really getting mad, I said, "God are you sending these people here, it won't work, I will wait till They all go back to their hotels."
As I was sitting there, I heard the word Jonah. I said "God that's not going to work, I'm out of here, you’re to late to talk to me now." Again I heard the word Jonah.
I forgot to tell you the Lord told me 2 years ago that he wanted me to use my life as a testimony for him, and to help set other captives free. (Now I still wasn't free, so that seemed funny to me).
I had been setting there for about 30 minutes waiting for all the people to leave, but it seemed that more just kept coming. I had been staring out at the ocean in one spot all this time. After the second time I heard Jonah, I swear, I saw a big fish jump. I said
out loud, OK now I've lost my mind to. I turned and faced a different direction, and I heard God very loud and clear.
"I did it once, I can do it again." And I saw that fish jump again.
I jumped up and yelled, "Fine, I'm going home." This little lady was walking in front of me, and I scared her, she said honey are you OK? I said NO, I'm mad. When I'm mad I walk fast, so the 45 min walk was only 25 min. that night.
As I walked back to my hotel, I was yelling at God, I kept hearing, I LOVE YOU.
I said no you don't. As I was crossing a 4-lane highway, it finally hit me,
HE REALLY DOES LOVE ME. I stopped right in the middle of the road, and when he said, I love you, I said, you really do, and it felt like a ton of bricks lifted off my chest.
(So He protected me from getting hit also)
I called my pastor and told him I was coming home. He said I have been praying, and the Lord told me about an hour ago, that every thing was OK. That is about the time, I finally got it, that he did really love me.
Since then I have been learning things and the Lord is teaching me things I never got before.
As far as home life things got worse. My husband finally admitted to having an affair. And there were lots of hard days. But I knew I could and did cry out to the Lord and he helped me through them.
So it's like I became a new Christian in Jan. or at least a new person.
Everyone around me keeps saying, how much I have changed and that I am a very strong person, cause I can smile and keep going through all this.
They don't know how many times I fell on my face and cried and prayed till Jesus reached down and picked me up and gave me the peace only he can give.
The Lord has been doing so much in my life, that I know wouldn't have happened if the devil hadn't tried to destroy me with this. I was very CO dependent on Dane, now I am very dependent on my Lord, which is what I should have been all-alone. But Praise God He never gave up on me.
Now I minister to hurting women all the time, and I do use my past life as a testimony to uplift my Lord and savior as to what He brought me from and how He is with us no matter what.
He is the only one who cares enough to stick with us through every fire and trial we go through.
As the years fly by since that day, God has never left me, and He has helped me through some very ruff time. After the divorce, (one that I didn’t want) Jesus saw me through all the finances, and other things that in the natural I could have never done. But my Lord gave me peace and seen I was taken care of by his power.
I can’t praise my savior enough.

My Daughter

So at 18, I had two babies.
Oct 13th brought the birth of our 2nd child, April Marie. She weight  7lbs 10oz, and was 21in long.
Don Don loved his baby sister, and was never jealous of her. He loved to "help" mommy take care of her.
Ape didn't like to be held much. If she was Fed  and had a clean diaper on, she wanted to be left alone.  She slept with her eyes open, which always freaked me out! :)
When she was 28 days old, she got real sick, and I walked the floor with her for 4 days and nights. Her Dr couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, and finally put her in the hospital. She couldn't keep food down, had diarrhea, and wouldn't quit screaming.
After 2 weeks of test and changing her formula 6 times they found she couldn't take any kind of milk products. The formula she ended up taking cost $14 a can. 39 years ago, that was a lot of money for formula. To fix this stuff, you had to boil the water, then beat it with a mixer, let it cool, then mix it all together again. It was a mess. It only made 4-8oz bottles. Daddy had a factory job, I stayed home with the babies. We had our own apt and car, but things were still hard on us as a young couple with two babies.

My Son

Being married so young wasn't easy. But being married and having a baby was even harder. We had our first child, when I was 17. Donald Ray Jr was born Sept 13th weighing in at 7lbs 12oz and was 19in long. He was born breech. And if he hadn't been, he would have been born in the back seat of his papaw's brand new car! Which by the way, had white velvet seats! We had taken dry runs to the hospital a few times, but they had shut down the road from our town to the town the hospital was in that weekend. My dad was having a fit and yelling at my mom to hold my legs together and not let the baby out!! It was very funny after it was all over, but not so at the time. He finally flagged a cop down after running a red light and told him he had a girl in the back seat ready to pop! The cop radio it in, and they were waiting for me. They started undressing me in the elevator, HOW EMBARRASSING! Since he was on his way out, they didn't have time to give me any thing for pain, & 40 years ago, you didn't have your babies natural, like you do today. You also didn't know what sex your baby was.
The Dr. was talking to me, asking what I wanted. I told him a boy. He said, "well, if it's a girl, it has something funny between it's legs." I sat up, and said, "What's wrong with my baby?" He said, "lay down, nothing, it's a boy." Then they couldn't get him to cry. They were talking to him, saying come on little one, and hitting him on his feet, and bottom. I was flipping out!! They kept telling me to lay down. Finally, Don Don opened his eyes and looked around. He still hadn't cried. The nurses took him, and the Dr started working on me again. They weighed him and all that, and then laid him on me. As they were taking us out of the delivery room, my mom looked at the baby and said, "Oh, a rotten Boy" and he started screaming. The Dr started laughing and told her they needed her in the delivery room.
A few hours later I went into convolutions, that lasted for 3 days because of high blood pressure. The baby also had problems. They didn't think either of us would make it. They had called the family in, but by the Grace of God, we both pulled through.
Donnie did every thing early. He was 3 months old when he cut his 2 top teeth. 6months old when my dad came up the stairs to my apt. and Donnie said, "see papaw" It was like the child was born talking! He could make all kinds of animal sounds by the time he was 11 months old. He spent the weekend with ma maw and Pap and they went "riding" to show him all the farm animals from the time he was newborn. Ma maw would make pap stop and she would get out of the car and show him the animals and make the sounds they made. So any time you went by a cow, sheep, horse... and ask him what they were he would make their sounds.
One morning when he was about 11 months old he had slept late. I walked over to his crib and he was blue. I started screaming. I couldn't touch him, and what went through my mind was: do I go get a wet washrag, or run next door to  the funeral home. (We lived behind a funeral home at that time.) My husband and brother was home because it was a Saturday morning. Don came running in and he couldn't grab him up either. My brother grabbed Donnie up and took his fist and hit him in the middle of the back. Donnie open his eyes and looked at me, and said, "hi mommy," I passed out. Later when I thought about it, Charles could have broke Donnie's back. But by the grace of God, He seen fit to let my baby live, and not let anything be wrong with him.
That was one of the scariest moments in my life. I thought I lost my baby boy. I was also about 8 months pregnant with my  2nd child at the time.

New dad, husband, and baby less than two years

Mom met and married my step dad, Ray, in Dec ,69, when I was 15. He was the only real dad we ever had. He was good to mom and us kids. My brother who was 14 months older than me, didn't want to be told what to do by anyone, so he started acting out. First, he started skipping school. When mom found out, I got beat for that, cause I should have told her. Charles never even got in trouble for it! Oh well, I was use to it, but it just made a hard heart, harder.
Charles ran away not long after they were married. He would call home every 6 months or so. And always made it home for his birthday, which was in Nov.
I met Don when I was in the 11th grade. His grandma live down the lane that was attached to our drive way. A friend of mine was dating his best friend, Richard. She ask me if I wanted to go on a double date. I told her sure. I was the only one with a car, so I picked them all up. I didn't know my way around Alex. So we ended up out in the country riding around. I found out later when ask where we went, he told his mom I took him out to the country and left it at that! Boys will be boys! We were both 16 at the time. He also told her that I was the one he was going to marry. How he knew that I have no idea. All he talked about was cars!!! It was a long 2 hours.
That was in Aug. He gave me his ring Sept. 5th 1970. We married Jan, 23rd 1971
Mom, dad and his mom went with us to Anderson court house so we could get married, but they wouldn't let us, because I wasn't pg.
Then Don, his mom, Richard,(a friend) and I went to KY and tried to get married. That didn't work.
Finally, mom, dad, Don's mom, and us went to KY and we finally got married after 4 times of trying! I was pg by then for our first child.
I was 16, Don was 17.